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Clever, Clever God–Part 1, The Pond

The monsoon season is tapering down to a close. It has been a good one for some folks around here, but many of the good downpours seemed to have missed my little corner of the high desert. There were, however, a few good rains in July that did allow my recent earthworks of swales (trenches on contour) and silt traps (water catchments that fill up with silt) a chance to show their worth. Notice I didn’t say ponds. Ponds are generally not practical in the desert, since they are such a big source of evaporation (loss) of precious water to the hot, dry air. There are ways, however, to get ponds to be more compatible with arid environments; for example, one can shade a pond with trees, man made structures, or aquatic plants to minimize evaporation from both the sun and wind. And a small wind protected and shaded pond can provide much needed drinking water for animals of all kinds. I have a small drinking basin set on my property for wildlife that is connected to my roof system, so it fills up every time there is even the slightest rain. Maybe some day I will expand this into a larger system, but I have to be careful not to create something that the wildlife learn to depend on, only to have it dry up in a lean rain year.

So at this stage of things, I am focusing on the simplest method of capturing water in a desert–encouraging it to slow, sink and spread into the soil. But sometimes things happen that we don’t expect.

Swales with water
Some swales below the house after a good storm.

For a short time after these rains, I did have pools of precious water dotted around the property. But what surprised and delighted me was that the night after the first major storm, I heard the sounds of frogs! What? This is a desert! Where did frogs come from?

Well, it turns out that God had many examples of Her cleverness to show me this season. Apparently there are a few species of native desert frogs that can survive long periods of dry conditions by burying themselves and hibernating in the mud, even as the surface soil completely dries up. And when there is enough rain to re-saturate the soil and create pools of water, they come out and start croaking in order to attract their mates. They then mate and lay eggs in one of these ephemeral ponds with the chance that the water will stay long enough for their eggs to hatch into polliwogs and then into mature enough frogs that can again bury themselves into the soil for the next suitable rain events. What a system!

So as all the other swales and silt traps slowly seeped into the thirsty earth, one pond remained. I knew that this particular site had lots of sticky clay to help seal it up, and it had captured some water last year too, even before I had work done to its berm this year. And sure enough this is where I first saw the polliwogs.  What a delight!

pond full
The pond after the July rains.

But I wondered, what could they possibly have to eat? I researched and found that they generally eat algae, but there was no algae in the pond. There was nothing—just mud. So I had the thought to throw some things into the pond to possibly provide a source of food or at least habitat for the new residents. I had a few particularly healthy weeds in my Watson Wick that I let grow huge because I didn’t know what they were, and they seemed like a cross between Alfalfa (lucern) and Amaranth—both nutritional plants—so I let them grow to see if the native jackrabbits and bunnies would like trimmings for a treat. Sure enough they gobbled up my periodic offerings. But it was time to actually cut down these weeds because they were starting to go to seed, and as robust (and seemingly nutritious) as they were, I had other plans for these locations in the Watson Wick.

So I cut them down and threw them into the pond. The polliwogs did start nibbling on the leaves. And the plants that I threw in fresh stayed green! And algae eventually grew on them too. So the polliwogs were very happy. The little greenish-brown ones quickly grew legs, and I started to find little tiny frogs in various places around the house gardens. And there were some big glossy white ones that have been slower to develop. I am doing some research into what these white ones are. And I will do my best to keep at least a little water in the puddle until they too grow legs and crawl out.

weeds in the pond

~

Meanwhile, there was something else stirring in this little vernal pool…

I had just been told by a young man working for me about a strange prehistoric creature that occasionally shows itself in our high desert monsoonal ponds. He thought it emerged about every 50 years or so, and his ancestors (natives of this land) believed it to be a good omen. Apparently these creatures are a crustacean that have survived with little genetic change in 300 million years (120-200 million years before the the dinosaurs). Then he called me over to the pond—he had just seen one! What? Ok, now where did that come from?

This so-called ‘living fossil’ he had just spotted in my pond is called a Triops which means ‘three eyes’, also known as a Tad Pole Shrimp. It looks similar to a small horse-shoe crab. Here it is in the pond (the greenish colored shelled creature with the two big eyes—its third eye is small and not so visible). It also has a tail as long as its body, but you can’t see it here.

Triops

So how does it end up in my pond?

Here is what Wikipedia has to say:

Triops eggs enter a state of extended diapause when dry, and will tolerate temperatures of 208 °F (98°C) for 16 hours[!] The diapause also prevents the eggs from hatching too soon after rain; the pool must fill with enough water for the dormancy to be broken… they may remain in a state of diapause for up to 20 years [some claim even longer].

Apparently the eggs can blow around in the wind during these many years, and can even survive passing through the gut of a bird or animal that may have eaten the mature triops.

Our Creator sure provides many options for life to proliferate. Awesome.

~

About a month later, I was observing the polliwogs and triops, since I could see them more easily now in the smaller (now 1 square meter) and somewhat clearer pond, and I couldn’t believe my eyes, but I swear I saw fish! What? In this little mud puddle?

Here is how small the pond (puddle) had become by this time, about a month after the rainstorm. This is the same shot as the second picture in this post.

puddle
All that’s left of the pond, but still enough for critters.

There was indeed a school of little 1 inch long little ‘fish’—some white with orange tails, some all orange—swimming amongst the remaining tadpoles. This was crazy!

At first I thought they were baby triops, but it turns out they are Arizona fairy shrimp—another very ancient and adaptable creature. God was really working hard to encourage life in this challenging desert environment.

According to an article I read, Arizona has 13 different species and the most colorful of all the world’s fairy shrimp. They live for about 8 weeks, and, like the triops, lay eggs that can withstand extreme dry and harsh environments because they too are protected by these amazing ‘resting eggs’ or cysts in diapause. And when enough rain comes, they too hatch into these ephemeral pools.

Fairy shrimp

All this activity and life going on in this short-lived pool of water. Even today, with only a mud puddle left, I saw the triops and some last remaining polliwogs–the white ones. What a fun and interesting experience this has been. I am still going through my inner challenges, but I am discovering lots of fascinating things going on around me. God is good. And very, very clever.

The Bully Inside

As I have described in previous posts, here at my high desert home, there is a seemingly endless list of things that need attention, fixing, doing, building, planting, creating etc to make it a truly safe, secure, comfortable, self-responsible, enjoyable and beautiful home, and the sheer magnitude of this list really get me down at times. I often feel overwhelmed.

A few days ago, I had a really important aha moment regarding all this work. I realized that my real emotion about it is that, most of the time, I DON’T WANT TO DO IT. Sometimes I have been able to hire others to help me, but the Law of Attraction for me has been full of challenges in finding or keeping help. I end up being stuck with the thing that needs fixing or doing, and no one to help me.

I have frequently FORCED myself to do the task, at times thinking that God and Her Laws must want me to be more self-sufficient and stop relying on my brothers to do all this work for me. I do after all have expectations and demands towards men, so some of this overwhelming frustration is also God’s Laws at work on those errors in my soul.

But in this aha moment, I suddenly recognized that the gut-twisting resistance and overwhelm to these daunting physical tasks has a much bigger message for me: Forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do is not loving. It is not honoring or listening to the tightening in my gut that is trying to communicate to me. It is an emotion that needs to be felt, not overridden or ignored, but really allowed its full expression—so it can be released. And this I don’t want to response to all the physical tasks parallels the resistance I have to feeling emotions. I have that same feeling when I am faced with the truth about my self and my sins, and the causal emotions of childhood pain. I really don’t want to do or feel any of these things!!

It is no wonder I have not made progress on this journey to God. I have been swept up in the two biggest time-wasting eddies of all: 1. No soul-level desire to see the truth about myself—mostly my sins against myself and others, and 2. No soul-level desire to release causal childhood emotional errors. Jesus has explained that the soul simply cannot heal without Truth and soul-based desire. I have tried really hard to use my willpower to make things happen, but without the cooperation and desire of the soul, it just won’t work.

Jesus has said so many times that forcing ourselves using will power to do something we really don’t want to do at the soul level is very unloving to ourselves and thus actually a sin. I have heard him say that over an over, but I never really understood it, because I never felt it before. Instead of engaging in this unloving demand of ourselves, he has encouraged us to feel the emotions of how much we don’t want to do it. But, until my aha moment, I only accepted this intellectually. It sounded good. And I have occasionally visited the emotion of not wanting to, but didn’t really connect it with that small clenching of my gut every time I had a task ahead of me that I was willing to push myself into. Now that I have allowed myself to connect the feeling in my gut with my soul’s cry against being pushed into things, I don’t think I can ignore it anymore.

Needle_girl

It is easy to see how this ties in with so many childhood emotions of feeling forced to do all the typical things of childhood: eat your peas, stop crying, clean your room, do the dishes, go to school, go to church, get a shot from the doctor, get woken up to go pee so I wouldn’t wet my bed, shut up or someone will get angry, etc. All these things may sound normal or even harmless, but every time we are forced against our will, and not even allowed to express our unhappiness about it, the frustrated emotions get stuck in our soul and body. I have a feeling there mountains of such emotions within me.

This new understanding is also helping me to see that I have not been listening to, valuing or honoring myself, my soul. The Law of Attraction has brought me a lifetime of experiences of others not listening to me, and not giving value to what I say, think, or feel. Now I can see why. I am ignoring myself too.

Unfortunately, I also get down on myself—judge myself—for ‘not wanting to’, among other things. I believe I should deal with these dark emotions in me if I am to become a loving person. I should want to become a loving person. I should get over this resistance and want to do these household tasks if I want to have a nice home. I should face my fears about doing them wrong, and having things leak and break due to my incompetence. While facing our fears may be a good thing, I still need to feel about why I have these fears, and why I don’t really want to face them. And judging myself is totally against God’s Way as well, and it too will completely halt my progress towards love. Wow, so many blocks! Perhaps I will gain some more clarity about that sin as I work through the ‘I don’t want to’ issue.

So I ask myself, “Why, at the soul level, do I so much not want to do these things?”

I suspect there are many soul-based reasons for my current attitude, but so far, the one reason that jumps out is that I feel forced to do them. I feel like someone is bullying me, and I am angry about it. My parents, like most, bullied me—a child only has to feel threatened to feel bullied— but now that I am an adult person, I am actually bullying myself!!

female_bully

All this forcing and bullying is very unloving and will thus cause me to continue spiraling down a path away from God, not towards God. It is impressive how powerful the soul is— that I didn’t even start to ‘get this’ at all until the other day. Sometimes our resistance to truth is that strong.

The way forward from here is to:

  1. Stop the forcing
  2. Stop ignoring and lying to myself about my real feelings, and explore why I have wanted to ignore and deceive myself
  3. And feel viscerally, deeply and fully all the emotions contributing to why I don’t want to feel the causal emotions, do the household tasks etc.

In the spirit world, apparently, the teachers of Divine Truth only give us one issue at a time to work on. And for me, right now, this is the one.

Hope for the Desert

I am on the 17th week of a 20 week Permaculture Designers Certification Course given by Geoff Lawton of Australia, a highly experienced and passionate teacher who has helped to transform some really degraded landscapes, even deserts. Continue reading “Hope for the Desert”

The Latest and The Land

So much of my energy this past year has been consumed by inner challenges and establishing a loving home for myself out of the partially-built, neglected remains of previous owners. But it feels like this coming year is going to hold some new energies. The big dose of truth I received in November seems to be humbling me emotionally. I spent the last two months feeling all kinds of painful emotions. And it seems that some unloving spirits around me were enjoying my long history of openness to attack—dropping one negative, attacking thought into my mind after another. I even got to where I felt that I was going completely insane—desperately lost and confused.

Its been a rough time, but I let myself feel a chunk of it, with mountains more to go. It helped to keep reminding myself of two things related to God: 1) the faith that, even though I don’t feel it much lately, God loves me deeply and is guiding me towards Love and Truth, and 2) the faith that even though my prayers are tainted by errors in my soul, God knows my underlying desire is to one day be free of errors and align fully with God.

A few weeks ago, I said to God, “Ok, so my longings for you (prayer) are filled with addiction. (Otherwise I would be feeling God’s love and truth in response to prayer). Can you show me the error?”

A flood of emotions came up around how much I desperately, obsessively want approval and care from my dad (and therefor projecting that demand onto all men). I stayed with the pain as long as I felt a genuine desire to feel it. (I have a tendency to push myself against my will, so I am learning to let myself stop when I feel the pushing begin). I will keep working on the many facets to this issue, as I feel it is a major root of the inter-gender emotions Jesus pointed out to me and one of my biggest blocks to God.

Staying focused on blocks to God, and opening to experiencing the sin in me feels really important. The feedback from Jesus and Mary has helped me to be more honest with God in this process. And honesty is essential for God to be able to show me truth about myself, so my soul can heal.

So that’s a glimps of the inner stuff. Some of the outer things are more clearly coming together, and all of it feels better as we come out of the darkness and cold of winter and back into the light and growth of Spring…

My house is becoming more supportive to my well being, and feels more like a home. I now have most of the modern amenities I have been longing for all year: a flush toilet, a hot shower, solar power, rainwater catchment, my beautiful new kitchen,

insulation, fireplace and fuel for a cosy winter, clothes washing machine, refrigeration, and I even finished sandstone floors!

So now that these wonderful, never-to-be-taken-for-granted-again modern amenities are in place, I am starting to think about the land. I have been taking many walks on the land to become more familiar with it and get a sense of what I can do to help God return its vitality. I am contemplating hosting workshops on erosion issues and holding water on the land. I had two big loads of organic matter delivered for future compost and mulch, and there will be many more to come:

And I want to bring some changes to this blog/website as well. I am thinking of creating new pages to make it more informative. (It may take me some time to learn how to do that, so bear with me.) On these pages, I can add information like videos, articles and links that I specifically find supportive to both my inner spiritual work as well as activities related to the restoration of this land and the creation of a loving, efficient, self-responsible lifestyle. A photo gallery of the current state of the land, its critters, and its plant life will be showing up eventually.

As you may have noticed my last post was simply a video that I thought had some useful information about how important deciduous trees are to restoring soil and therefor the ecology of the land. It was centered around the home garden, but really I want to bring more and more deciduous trees to this property. When I arrived here there were…none! I have since planted three—all near my Watson Wick septic system (a whole other subject in itself). There are only a few shrubs here that are deciduous either. So there is almost no leaf matter to help the soil. I would really like to see that change.

But there are steps that I need to take before planting trees can happen. The biggest one is improving the water holding capacity of this land so it can support new species of trees and plants as well as animals. That will need to be done with some earthworks like:
1. seep ponds (that only hold water for a short time),
2. swales (on-contour ditches that slow and spread the water),
3. soil sponge ladders in the gullies (straw bales arranged across gullies to slow and absorb monsoon flows and ease erosion)
4. rock dams (again to slow and spread water and ease erosion during monsoons)

Yet before all that, I want to have some kind of a plan. I want to gain clarity on what I want to do here, brainstorm how I might do it, assess the assets and issues I have, and create a basic, though flexible design to fit that future. I want to have a schematic of where I want roads, buildings and earthworks to go before I start digging trenches or planting trees.

An opportunity for that came in perfect timing. Geoff Lawton, an Australian, who I feel is one of the world’s leading teachers of land restoration and ecological systems, was offering a 20 week Permaculture design course over the internet. It started the last week of December, and I enrolled. And it is hugely informative. He is such a gold mine of knowledge about nature. I love that many of the methods he teaches about land restoration are the same kinds of things Jesus has taught over the years during ‘Environmental Days’ at the Cushni Learning Center in Australia. And even the Permaculture Foundation Principles beautifully reflect the Foundation Principles of God’s Laws that Jesus only recently spoke of at the Education in Love Series: Love and Truth, Life and Development, Economy and Function, Permanence, and Scope. Truth has a way of revealing itself—if we desire to know it.

So if I come across any videos or articles or good reminders that strike me as interesting, and are related to what I am doing here, I will put them onto a new page based on the topic like Healing the Land. Later I may separate them by more specific topics.

Along this restoration theme, just the other night I ‘scarified’ some black locust tree seeds that I collected last fall from a tree in town, and planted them in pots. Scarifying is basically helping certain hard seeds to become permeable to water and air, so the germination can begin more easily. There are several ways to do this: rub them between two pieces of sandpaper, use fingernail cutters to clip the end of the seed, but in this case, I boiled the hard seeds for about a minute until I saw some of the seed coats start to swell (the unswollen ones I will put out in the ground for nature to handle).

For those of you unfamiliar with black locust trees, they are one of the few trees that are very drought tolerant, handle freezing temps, need no irrigation once established, can thrive in alkaline soils, provide bee fodder when they flower, seeds for the critters, and Nitrogen and carbon for the soil. They are very good, generous workers. This land need lots of those.

When these locust seedlings are about a foot tall, I will plant them in three Growboxx’s which are a relatively new invention that provide little growing cocoons that you only have to fill once with water and that’s it. They were designed for deserts, and do a great job of capturing rain water and dew, and keep the area moist for the seedling to get established. After the first year, the seedling has a well rooted start, and you can remove the Growboxx and use it on another seedling. I imagine some mulch and some fish-scale swales wouldn’t hurt either.

Till next time, may God be in your thoughts and heart.

Fun and Informative Composting Info

Even though I have been gardening and successfully composting for decades, there is always more to learn. I love what he says about deciduous trees. I look forward to planting as many as I can at my place. At least I have a start on the red worms. They are just about the only ones I have cultivated that are doing well at this point.

If video takes too long to load, it can be viewed at youtube: https://youtu.be/n9OhxKlrWwc

Truth I Haven’t Wanted To See

In my last blog post, (Discoveries About Anger), I shared some insights I had recently had about my continued issue with anger. Well, it turns out, my soul issues are even more serious than I thought.

A few weeks ago (mid-November, 2016), I flew to Queensland, Australia to attend the second of the Assistance Groups that Jesus and Mary gave on Understanding God’s Loving Laws in the the Education in Love series. [More information on these lectures can be found at: Divine Truth Assistance Group Information]

It was announced at the Friday evening introductory session, that Jesus and Mary had noticed an increasing problem with inter-gender issues occurring in the Assistance Groups, and that they were going to start enforcing God’s Loving Laws in order to resolve the issue. On Sunday morning, that enforcement came to be, and along with 7 others, I was asked to leave the event. Jesus explained that I was one of ten women who, aware of it or not, were in such rage and anger primarily at men, that it was causing a significant imbalance in the ratios of men and women in the audience, and creating an atmosphere where neither gender feels safe to feel their emotions. Men were being repelled by us women, keeping them from attending (only 24% men, 22% if you subtract the men who had stayed over from the first session).

Here are the emotions shared by the ten of us women:
1. wanting to emasculate men emotionally and sexually
2. desire to gain power and control over and bully other women
3. and have an arrogant delusion about our own goodness

I felt like I was in shock when he called my name. I have believed that although I wasn’t making much progress on my anger issues, I was still headed in the right direction. I believed I was feeling key emotions. I believed I was sincere in my desire to bring my life (although slowly, and with struggle) into harmony with God’s Laws. I believed I must be making at least some progress with all the emotions that have come up. Even now, I am struggling to let the truth of what Jesus said settle in my heart. And for me personally, he explained, the sin was even worse, because of the total denial of these emotions within me.

After hearing this truth, I stayed at the resort and attempted to feel whatever I could in the privacy of my room. I felt some anger and frustration. But as I was doing this, I realized that I didn’t even really understand what rage was. So I did some research on the internet. It turns out that rage is different from anger. It is the emotion caused by the repeated denial of anger. The anger apparently grows and festers to the point where we want to destroy things and people. That is rage. And that explained a few things for me. Firstly, I have never really let myself feel any rage. The emotions were just too ugly—the desire to kill or destroy people, for example is a rage emotion. Now the emotions that Jesus described made more sense. These are the kinds of emotions that come from lots of suppression of anger.

I also searched on the internet for resources on releasing rage, and found something that seemed helpful: (http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program#Feel_Your_Feelings ; part II, the audio on rage), and was able to follow along with a counselor who walked a person through some rage release. It was frightening to allow myself to feel the honest emotions that came up of hating and wanting to destroy my parents. There was so much rage that came about how my needs were frequently met with anger, ridicule, denial, condescension, blame, inconsistency etc from my parents. I can see how all this has led to my desire to control, gain power, and bully all who I believe are a threat to me or want to control or negate me.

In addition to this major feedback, Jesus also spoke to me (when I first arrived to the event) about this website and blog. He asked if I still had comments allowed on it. I said I did, but that I wasn’t attached to them and would easily remove them. He assured me that emotionally I did have attachment to people commenting. He said that I also have an emotion of wanting to involve others in my emotions, which was evident in the blog. And he pointed out that in our short conversation about it, I was demonstrating resistance to Truth about both issues. I asked him if I should not do a blog while I am in my current condition, and he said there is nothing wrong with doing a blog [if it is in harmony with love]. Of course he wasn’t going to tell me what to do, but it appears that I need to work through these emotions he mentioned, and look honestly at my motivations behind my website and blog.

I have a tendency to be hard on myself when I don’t succeed at something, or when someone points out my failings. A part of me wants to go into hiding until I get it right, until I am finally a loving person. One thing I need to keep in mind is (I have a tendency to forget) that my purpose in attempting to engage God’s Way is learning about love. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to discover things about myself that are not loving. It is going to be confusing because of the false things I was taught about truth and love as a child. Yet one thing I am hearing, as I listen to audio recordings of the first session of God’s Loving Laws that a friend shared with me, is that God knows that we want to learn Her Way, and God has compassion for us in the mistakes we make as we get there. I need to develop that quality—to have compassion for myself, rather than pummel myself with criticism because I am not a loving person yet.

From what I am learning from Jesus and Mary, it is apparent that in order to become that loving person, I am going to need to grow my sincere desire for Love and Truth, grow my desire for honest self-evaluation, and a mega-dose of desire to feel all that is causing such unloving emotions. That’s a lot of desire-growing. We’ll see how it goes.

I also want to take some time off from doing this blog to feel emotions related to all this feedback. As hard as it is for me to see right now, truthful feedback is always a positive thing. It is a loving correction that has the potential to put me back on course towards love and God. It doesn’t feel that way right now. It just feels confusing and overwhelming, but I will let myself feel these emotions too.

Discoveries About Anger

As I mentioned in my last blog post Murphy Meets God, God’s Laws have been helping me to feel lots of emotions around not getting what I want, and having lots of things going ‘wrong’ (according to my definition). That has been a regular theme since acquiring this new home of mine in March, and mostly that is still the case (October). Some things have eventually been completed, and some things recently, like the bathroom tiling, even occurred without incident. Wow, do I celebrate those triumphs! But several projects continue to be a struggle. For example, I did end up having to drill a whole new well, at the cost of around $15,000. And I still do not have a functioning toilet, shower, or solar system.

So with eight months of crazy, frustrating events, I have had countless opportunities to explore my anger issues, since that has been the primary emotion that comes up when I don’t get my way. But actually, anger is an emotion I have been working on for about six years (or at least I thought I was working on it), since I learned about releasing emotions from Jesus and Mary. All this time, I have been attempting to release anger by bashing my bashing pole or my punching bag, and yelling into my cloths, but it is still there. It is still in my soul. All of God’s Laws have been attempting to help me deal with this life-long anger issue, but I have not been getting to the root of it. I have gone through immense frustration at how anger just keeps arising in me. My lack of success with anger tells me that there must be emotions underneath the anger that I am not releasing—emotions that I must be highly resistive to.

Only in the last few weeks, I have been making what feel like small but important steps in my journey to release the anger from my soul. God has finally been able to help me see some Truth about my anger: I actually want to be angry at others and myself. The reason for that is that I have a well established false belief that anger is how you get what you want. I really believe that. And I haven’t really felt that anger was wrong. It was just what I was taught to do. It is what my parents did, and probably what their parents did. I was taught that anger is the method to get things done when things aren’t going smoothly. Anger is the only method I have known. And it appears to work! How could such a useful tool be wrong?

But it is wrong, and it betrays a total lack of understanding of free will and love. I am being shown that in using anger, I am firstly putting all the blame on others, and actually attempting to punish and shame others (and sometimes myself) into doing what I want. Blaming, punishing and shaming I can, at least partly, feel as sin, because I’ve felt lots of that done to me, and it hurts. It damages people. So making this connection between anger and these more obvious sins is an important step. It is helping me to feel a little more of God’s perspective on what I have been doing with anger. And the fact that I use it in an attempt to get people to feed my demands and expectations and addictions to certain outcomes, is another layer of the sin involved about which I have much more to feel about.

So having awareness of these two things: a big false belief about anger, and the attempt to blame, punish and shame, are important. However, it won’t change much with just the awareness. From what I understand, I need to unravel some pretty entrenched belief systems and go through a repentance process of inflicting this anger upon the world (and myself). And that is going to involve feeling much more deeply the errors (sins) involved.

Then I wonder… if I stop projecting anger, what do I do when everything is going awry, when I feel rage bubbling up, and the bashing isn’t working? This is where I am venturing into very uncomfortable territory. I have been practicing feeling the horrible feelings that arise just ‘before’ or underneath the anger. I tell myself, ‘be humble, be humble, and letting really yucky feelings come up that I can tell I really rant to avoid. What I have discovered is a whole bunch of emotions around how much I don’t feel cared for, and without my ‘friend’ anger, I also feel so powerless to get what I need or want.

Not feeling cared for is an emotion I have been working on for a while, so I haven’t been feeling so terrified about it lately. However, just recently, God has shown me that I was feeling a little less terrified of this emotion because of resistance, not because I had made great progress on it! The thing is, there are so many layers of this issue, so much emotion locked inside me about how unloved I really was at the emotional level, that I am only letting myself feel it as the true will of my soul dictates. This is not an emotion I can use will-power to push through! It is so terrifying to feel how emotionally abandoned I was as a child that everything has to be aligned before each layer of that injury opens up for me to feel.

My terror of powerlessness is a little different. That one has become much closer to the surface, right under the anger every time something goes wrong. I am absolutely terrified of having no power to control my environment. For years I have had dreams where the brakes or steering go out, and I have absolutely no control of the vehicle I am driving. Now those dreams are making sense. Naturally, this gets down to how terrified I felt as a child of that powerlessness—powerless to protect myself from the anger, expectations and demands of me, powerless to find dependable love and emotional support, powerless to stop my body from wetting the bed, powerless to avoid the addictions that I was groomed and forced through anger and control to fulfill in my parents. I have resisted the Truth of this damage because I so wanted to believe my parents loved me in a pure way, and had my best interest as a priority. Sure, there were times of love. There was consistent support of my physical needs, and even support of a number of childhood desires, but there was such a strong undercurrent based on unloving projections, denials, untruth, manipulations, control and outright angry attack, that great damage was done. I am learning that God’s perspective of how most children on this planet are treated is totally different to how we are taught to perceive our childhood. And God’s perspective is that pretty much everyone is greatly damaged and that most of that damage gets established as children by our families. Slowly, I am opening to God’s Truth about my life. And it is very confronting, and certainly comes with it lots of painful emotions.

The other key element to letting go of anger and becoming a loving person, is the love factor. I need to keep growing my desire for love and truth. I need to build my faith in love. Currently, I don’t actually trust love. Real love, as God knows it, has not played much of a role in my life. I don’t have much experience in its positive outcomes. Jesus teaches us that love is a gift. And for it to be a gift, we cannot expect it from people, which is what I have been doing. I have expected people to be considerate, be true to their word, do their work well, etc… in other words—be loving to me. And when they didn’t, I would get angry—proof that I had demands of them. I can see that this is an attempt to get, from those around me currently, the love and consideration I didn’t get as a child. This is how addictions work, but the problem is that addictions don’t work, and they cause damage to others as well as ourselves.

To transform myself from an angry person to a loving one, I will need to work through a pile of blocks: Why I want to keep ‘doing anger,’ why I don’t want to take responsibility for my Law of Attraction events and the emotions they prompt, why I don’t want to trust love, why I don’t want to feel the sins of my unloving actions and belief systems, and why I don’t want to feel the emotions that would free me from my past and block me to God’s Love and Truth. And as I move through these blocks, then I will be able to long more successfully (pray) for God’s Love and Truth, and be more humble to feeling each painful emotion as it arises.

I have found it to be very helpful to let myself feel why I don’t want to feel all the emotions that need releasing. That seems to be the key to the deeper stuff that is driving my anger.

I cannot even imagine the impact on my life the clearing of these anger emotions will have. That’s going to be huge. And its quite exciting to ponder. Thank goodness God and Her Laws are always there to help us work through it. I am definitely going to need the help.