I started this post on my birthday which was just a few days ago. And the biggest gift is not one I expected—another layer of my murderous rage exposed and which I allowed to (responsibly) flow.
Two days before my birthday, the Law of Attraction had me interacting with three women with suppressed rage and significant facades who I shared truth with. The first was a woman I used to feel close to, who immediately dismissed what I felt from her. The second was my mom (who is getting used to me talking about our rage and other emotions but doesn’t let it past her facade to reach her soul), and the third was a woman who asked me for my website having no idea that this Divine Truth I mentioned involved a man and woman purported to be Jesus and Mary Magdalene. I could have taken the time to tell her that detail before hand, but I let my website speak for itself.
Every person we attract into our lives tells us, through the Law of Attraction, important information about ourselves, about the condition of our soul. And when we attract three similar people in one day, we’d better pay attention. God’s laws are very efficient. Not only does the Law of Attraction show us the truth about our soul condition, often reflected in other people, it also shows us what emotions need to be felt in order to heal those unloving part of ourselves— emotions like rage and facade.
The night after interacting with these women, I was mercilessly attacked by spirits. I felt some of the attack start before nighttime, but didn’t let myself feel it fully. But at night, it is hard to ignore. The attack lasted all night long. I think it was the worst attack I have ever felt. I let myself feel emotions as best I could throughout the night, and finally got some sleep around 5am. One of the emotions I dove into during the night was murderous rage. Some of that may have been the spirits themselves, but I feel that the bulk of it was mine.
During my brief sleep, I dreamt about a vicious, deadly snake that had a particularly big and scary head, kind of like the horrible looking creatures who live in the deepest, darkest depths of the ocean. Huge teeth. There were three of us in the dream, me, my mom, and one other. We all knew this snake was terribly dangerous, yet we allowed it to wander among us. We accepted that it was simply part of our lives and there was nothing we could do about it. We would do little things to block it or nudge it away from us, but basically we just did our best to avoid it biting and killing us. At one point, the snake bit a living miniature baby elephant that was mine, the size of a stuffed animal. Elephants have always represented my childhood to me. My favorite stuffed animal was “Dumbo” from the movie that even to this day makes me cry because I can relate to it so deeply (even my ears were judged by my grandmother). So, this snake bites the little elephant and, as the elephant died, it deflated like a balloon with its air slowly being let out. And while that is happening, tears are coming out of the elephant’s eyes. I felt very sad in the dream and afterwards that the deadly evil snake destroyed my precious elephant, my childhood. I believe the snake is suppressed rage.
The snake shows me how, as a child, yet even today, I am constantly afraid that the snake is going to bite. When I was little, I was terrified of my parents’ rage (as well as their judgement and rejection), and later learned to become terrified of my own. My parents were allowed the occasional outburst of their rage, but kids were not. And when we feel unable to allow a painful emotion, it gets stuck in us and continues to grow as we suppress it and add to it. I imagine this is what happened for my parents too. We were all taught to judge and suppress our anger and rage. But it doesn’t work. And it wreaks havoc on everyone (and the environment).
For the last month or so, I have made some sincere efforts to access my rage and I have succeeded several times. This most recent event during which I accessed the murderous level of the rage, seemed like the culmination of my growing desire to heal the rage inside me. I find it fascinating how often my attention or focus to a certain issue within my soul at a particular time is shared by friends and acquaintances around me. I imagine this, too, is the Law of Attraction at work, and potentially very helpful to all of us. This month, the theme among my friends has been rage. Layers of rage that had been suppressed throughout our lives was emerging for all of us. And it scares us, particularly the murderous feelings that lurk in the dark, unliberated corners of our souls. We hesitate to admit these shameful feelings. But once we do—safely in conversation—we feel a sense of relief. Someone else can relate to what I am feeling. Maybe I am not crazy or psychopathic.
Let me clarify what I mean by “murderous rage.” I use the term “rage” in general to mean the deep seated, hopeless and terrifyingly frustrated anger that seems to have begun in childhood and grows layer upon layer over many years because, for so many of us, we were never taught or allowed any method of healthy release. “Murderous rage” is when we get to the point of intensity in this accumulated multilayered rage where we feel the only relief would be for the seeming cause to be destroyed. Typically, this is whoever is in front of us that acts towards us in a way that reenacts old trauma or challenges our addictions to having our personal world carefully arranged to avoid that pain. I have felt the murderous-level rage maybe only half a dozen times in the last ten years, where I intensely want to hurt, punish, and destroy other people. I don’t want to say “murder” other people because that is a terrible thing that I am clear I would never do and am ashamed to admit to, but, in reality, the feelings are murderous rage. Just because we don’t act out this murderous rage, the emotion is there, and the angry, rageful, violent emotions—as is true of all unloving emotions—are causing real harm the moment they are created inside us and for as long as they exist. And they exist for as long as it takes us to finally and fully feel and release them. Most of us with rage, particularly murderous rage, live our lives preferring to be unconscious of the it. We think we can get away with hiding it, but suppression of rage does not lessen the violent harm it causes. Nor will it ever leave our soul while we suppress it.
Most of us have no clue what to do with these kinds of terrible feelings. I do not have this excuse. I have known, thanks to Jesus, about the presence of my rage for about ten years, yet have mostly spent those years ignoring it, hiding it, judging it, trying to skirt around it, and avoiding taking sincere action to heal it. And, thanks to Jesus and Mary, I also understand how to release it. The only way to truly release an emotion is to be honest about it and feel it—in its full and scary intensity, and in a way that causes no harm. I find that screaming into a cloth or pillow while feeling as much rage as I can (which usually includes clenching my whole body) while asking for God’s help to feel more works well for me. I have also reached deep levels of rage by hitting a chair with a towel while yelling aloud. Punching bags work for some people, but I tended to hurt myself doing that. I am very fortunate to have made the choice to live in a place where yelling and screaming inside my house does not bother anyone. Before I lived here, I often drove off in my car to a place I could feel rather loud emotions without bothering anyone.
When I have allowed myself to sincerely feel the rage, I find it helpful to remind myself that these are just emotions. Their presence does not mean I am a terrible person deserving of everlasting punishment in hell. I imagine these rageful emotions have been inside of me, in some form or another, since conception. When our parents have suppressed their rage, as my parents did, that rage (and all the emotions that fed it) will enter the soul of a developing baby. As a child, those emotions of suppressed and occasionally expressed rage were not only terrifying to me, but they also entered and became established within my soul as well. Then, as I grew into adulthood, I would add my own experiences and choices to that childhood rage, continuing to suppress it as I was taught and never allowing it true release. All the while, I continued a coping method I learned in childhood—to adjust my emotional and physical experience of the world to accept this ever-present threat as normal. I accepted all kinds of people into my life who had suppressed rage, perhaps hoping that I could somehow gain love from them, like I always wanted from my parents. Sadly, we also learn distorted definitions of “love,” definitions that include rage or whatever other emotions we grew up with, since our primary definitions of love are developed in childhood. Unless we heal these learned patterns, our soul will continually draw to us—in an attempt to show us the truth and resolve the pain—other people, like us, who have hidden rage. And those people who could really love us are, wisely, repelled.
In an attempt to “managing” painful emotions like rage, we attempt to move those emotions out of us by projecting them upon those unfortunate souls who are open to receiving it. This can include children and ourselves. We know the terrible things that occur when adults inflict their rage upon children, “their” own children or other children. But we rarely talk about what happens when we aim rage at ourselves. It can take many forms. We might become very hard on ourselves (one of my favorites). We might blame ourselves for the harsh treatment we receive, assuming we deserve it. Or we might take the brunt of it in an attempt to mitigate attack from others. We might express our rage at ourselves through anorexia or bulimia. If our rage grows even more desperate, as in murderous rage, we might desire to destroy ourselves with work, food, smoking, drugs or suicide. If we know better than to take obvious harmful actions against ourselves, unresolved rage will still find a way to show itself. Perhaps we adopt patterns of self-sabotage or patterns of drawing others into our lives who abuse us emotionally and/or physically. Suppressed, self-directed rage can also show up as auto-immune diseases such as allergies, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, fibromyalgia and other soft tissue maladies, multiple sclerosis, and irritable bowel syndromes which are examples of where the body’s own immune system is attacking itself.
Whether we are conscious of our festering rage and where we aim it or not, it is going to show itself eventually. All diseases are manifestations of unfelt emotions. Cancer, in particular, is associated with suppressed rage. And chronic back pain was found by Dr. John Sarno to be caused by suppressed rage. He was able to guide his patients to heal their back pain and other muscle, tendon, and ligament pain just by helping them discover the truth of the repressed rage and how to allow all their emotions. Dr. Sarno, who has now passed to the spirit world, has several books on the subject with the most recent one called, Healing Back Pain. I also found a documentary on his work called, “All The Rage—Saved by Sarno” that I feel is worth watching.
Interestingly, Dr. Sarno found that people most likely to have the rage-induced body issues that he treated are people who also have the following traits:
Perfectionism
Self-critical
Highly responsible
Control-oriented
People Pleasing (I would also call this facade)
Highly Conscientious
I have all of these traits. And I also have trigger point pain all over my body that he found to be ubiquitous in his patients with suppressed rage. For me the pain points are never debilitating, but I imagine that is only a matter of degrees. I definitely have rage. And it will be interesting to see how my current focus on feeling the rage will affect the fibromyalgia-type pain in my body.
So far, I have been speaking specifically of rage as the multilayered and frustrated anger initiated in childhood, but what about other anger emotions? Anger shows up in many forms: frustration, irritation, annoyance, or disappointment. All these seemingly milder forms of anger might be more “acceptable” forms of anger and easier to admit to, but they are really just tips of the iceberg of anger and/or rage. Any form of anger is a great indicator telling us that we have something here in need of healing. Anger shows us when we have an unloving expectation or demand towards another that isn’t getting met. We know this is happening because we get pissed off. Expectations and demands are always unloving and always indicate that we actually have an addiction to getting something that we aren’t getting in the moment we get angry. All expectations, demands and addictions must be confronted on our journey towards love. All forms of anger can be indicators of childhood rage, but sometimes the connection to our soul errors is less direct. For example, perhaps we were spoiled as children, given everything we could ever want and taught to expect the world to cater to our every whims. And when the world doesn’t, we get angry. In this case, we will need to work through the emotions of being spoiled and our unloving expectations of others. Often we notice milder forms of anger in ourselves but don’t think we have real anger, and certainly not rage in our soul. But all forms of anger are important indicators of emotions that are often much bigger and more damaging than we realize. So it is important to take note of any form of anger and let ourselves feel it. We can also ask God to help us see and feel the full truth of what is lurking in our soul. If we are sincere in this request, it will undoubtedly be answered.
I like the analogy of emotions being like a muscle (Thank you Mary and Cornelius). We need to practice feeling the emotion “muscles” to strengthen them. Why, for heaven’s sake, would we want to do that? And “Heaven’s sake” is actually the answer. We cannot grow in love, cannot grow a relationship with our Creator, and enjoy all the gifts that will bring to our lives if we do not develop the capacities of our soul to feel. When we suppress one emotion, we suppress all emotions.
The few times I have accessed intense rage, murderous rage, over recent years, I have noticed more sensitivity afterwards to all my emotions, which is fantastic. The unfelt rage was a block to accessing deeper layers of terror and grief hiding underneath it that are all blocking love including God’s Love from flowing into my soul. Unlike all other spiritual teachings, Divine Truth tells us the truth, that we must become more sensitive and emotional in order to grow in love and grow a relationship with God. Our emotional development is essential because love is an emotion. Our capacity to feel will determine our capacity to experience love.
Like the earlier dream I mentioned, I often have dreams about rattlesnakes. And I live in northern Arizona where snakes, including rattlesnakes, are plentiful and occasionally show themselves to me. Both the dreams and rattlesnake encounters help me feel emotions that are inside my soul that need healing and attention. It is no coincidence that the possibility of encountering a rattlesnake on my property is just like my childhood fears of the possibility of encountering the suppressed rage of my parents. You never know when it might come out and strike. Fortunately, the rattlesnakes have never harmed me. But they do receive undeserved projections of my fear and rage, even as I never physically harm or even try to remove them. When I encounter them or have one of my rattlesnake dreams, I let myself feel what I can at the time. But when I block rage, as I have been doing, I will only get so far in my efforts. I already notice since the night of the spirit attack when I allowed myself to feel more of the murderous rage, that I have been able to feel and release deeper layers of terror and grief. I also feel somehow a little closer in my relationship with God. I think there is hope for me yet.
Right now in our world, rage is being, once again, irrefutably revealed to us through the reality of war. It is easy to point fingers and pacify ourselves by making all this insanity and horror about those other people over there. We can point fingers at all the power hungry and self-seeking politicians who are adding to the mess. We can pretend that we have nothing to do with it. But we do. Our suppressed rage is feeding the same horrifying beast that happens to be raising its deadly head so visibly in Ukraine, Israel, Gaza, and many other places. Perhaps it is even present in our own homes. How much do we really want things to change? Our answer to that will be in our action. We have no excuse other than our own apathy. Are we willing to go to the dark, shameful, terrifying places within ourselves that could, by feeling and releasing them, have a tremendous benefit to everyone? Divine Truth teaches us how. God and our guides are eager to respond to a sincere request for help. The rest is up to us.
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Here are some resources that can help:
Anger is Your Guide video, Part 1: http://youtu.be/d62Wf4HJNS4
Anger is Your Guide video, Part 2: http://youtu.be/HylxkwWJjuw
Anger is Your Guide (notes)
Thirty Years Among The Dead, by Dr. Carl A. Wickland; This book provides fascinating insight into how spirits can interfere with our well-being.
Learning To Live And Love God's Way 