I think this is a good time for an update on what has been going on for me in addition to what I shared in last month’s post.
One area of my life that I don’t talk about much, but which would contribute immensely to my happiness, is regarding my soulmate. I don’t say much because I realize that, for people in my condition, guesswork is pretty common when it comes to soulmates. But I will share what has happened because, if accurate, it nicely exemplifies what Jesus said often happens with soulmates.
In early 2020, I had no idea who my soulmate was. I preferred to believe, as many of us do who are undeveloped, that I had not yet met him. That spring, I attended a discussion-type webinar about loving monetary systems put on by a small eco-groovy group that I wondered at the time why I was joining. It was an unusual topic too but one that I cared about and was drawn to. I wanted to share the idea of the gifting economy as a loving economic model (which I did share). In attendance was a man who I briefly dated in my mid twenties yet rejected for immature and arrogant reasons on my side. We parted amiably and stayed in touch a few years. Then he got married and we stopped communicating shortly thereafter and didn’t for the next 25 years or so. In this webinar, I immediately saw his name listed but didn’t realize I could reach out to him privately until he reached out to me. I had the surprising thought, oh, my Goodness, I think he’s my soulmate. It kind of hit me and I got really excited because the possibility of him being my soulmate immediately made sense based on what Jesus has shared. He was (and still is) this beautiful man who grew up close to where I did, who I really enjoyed, and who loved all the things I love. Yet, when we met in our twenties, I was, as I understand now, looking for a man who would cater to my addictions and not be so much like me in personality and errors. I assumed, since I was young, arrogant, and driven by emotional errors, that I would find someone “better,” which of course never happened.
So here he was after all this time and in this obscure little webinar. We shared contact information and followed up with a phone call and a few emails. He was going through a terrible divorce similar to what I went through, but he already had a girlfriend who he loved and was living with. I was very disappointed. After a few emails I told him that I thought he was my soulmate but that, out of respect for him and his girlfriend, I would stop our communications because I didn’t feel I could be loving by continuing. I told him I was doing this and, if he found himself single again, I hoped he would consider contacting me. I sent him a few texts in the next year for little things that seemed appropriate at the time. But I didn’t feel good about it later, like I was intruding. I decided to just let go and keep working on myself. I couldn’t help but notice that I was feeling rejected by him just as I rejected him in the past, even though the reality of things is more likely that I am just repelling him by my issues of arrogance and demands towards men that I still need to work through. I can see how wisely God created the whole soulmate system—to not let us come together prematurely. If we had attempted to be a couple back in the day when I was so motivated by (but totally unconscious of) my addictions, I probably would have harmed him terribly.
In my sleep state, I have had a few “dreams” where we met up, and it was lovely—mutual desire to connect, one particular heartfelt hug that I will not forget, but restrained, I feel, due to the circumstances. I am also aware that, until very recently, I have also sought connection and love with other men in the sleep state, an issue that would also repel my soulmate.
I recall Jesus mentioning that opening the soulmate part of our soul typically happens in the 5th sphere of development and I am far from that, so I may be completely wrong about all this. Yet, now that we crossed paths again, I find it hard to imagine a better match for me. Right or wrong, the Law of Attraction is clear… since I am not with him or anyone else, I have work to do on myself. I will keep working on healing my unloving parts and growing my love for him. I imagine that will be good for me… to learn to love without expectations. I have already gained, by meeting up with him again and discovering how much alike we still are, a curious nugget of faith in God’s system. To have this nugget confirmed in time would be amazing.
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Update on music: In previous posts, I had mentioned my desire to create a band. I played with the same talented guitar player for a few years, and we did perform on occasion, but we couldn’t seem to find other people interested in playing folk, Celtic, and bluegrass music with us. I put plenty of effort into this desire but to no avail. I understand that God’s laws always support loving desires, so I must have unloving motivations stalling this desire. I am aware that I have injuries, and therefore demands, about feeling wanted, valued, belonging, appreciated, listened to, loved, and supported in being myself, so I can guess that they are getting in the way. Essentially, I was wanting to create a new family, a group of people who would satisfy all those longings. I haven’t given up on this desire for a band, but apparently I need to heal these emotions that come out as demands and block this desire from manifesting.
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One desire that seems to be progressing nicely is that of creating a food forest. I love working with nature to grow food, and I wanted to create a forest of abundance and diversity that would feed and shelter lots of different creatures in addition to people. Since I live in a food-scarce area of high desert, I started with water catchment systems and wood-chip mulch, which have been in place several years. I also knew I would have to build a sturdy fence to keep the hungry elk, deer, rabbits, and other desperate browsers out while I get this food forest established. The cost of the fence, which I had someone build for me last year, helped challenge my resolve to follow my desires despite fear of financial lack.
Once the fence was built, I planted a number of soil-enhancing trees and plants, shelter shrubs, bird-food berries, and pollinator friendly wildflowers along with an assortment of fruit and nut trees and seeds that will one day produce food for people too. I experimented with a variety of unusual plants and seeds, transplanting some that grew well in other locations and started others from cuttings of those successful plants. I learned a lot and experienced a lot of joy in the process. I get a thrill out of seeing which plants (many of which are edible) and wildflowers will thrive without help or additional water (other than rainwater captured by the swales), and then spreading those seeds. I also spent a fair bit of time removing invasive Russian thistle from both inside and outside the fenced area and which I will need to keep an eye on for a few more years. (I think it came in on the mulch.)
Here are some current pictures. You can’t tell from the images but the entire thing is now planted with various baby plants, trees, and seeds. Trees are planted into the swales where they have the best chance of survival, and wildflowers and other plants are everywhere else. I will take some photos during the growing season next time. 🙂
Food forest February 2024, looking in from upper road
Swales in lower part of food forest collecting moisture.
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This last September, I finally had to face some issues with money. For years, thanks to the generosity of others and some litigation proceeds related to my dad’s exposure to asbestos in the work place, I have been able to get along without working a regular job. Now, unless I took action, I would be accumulating debt on my credit card. Fortunately, with some prompting, I received payment for some work I did in the past that the person had said I would be paid for. That helped alot. I was no longer desperate. But I figured it was probably good for me to get a job anyway. I got myself kind of psyched up about it, a way to serve, an ease of guilt around not having a job for so long. I applied to a few that interested me, one of which was with Walmart, thinking I would enjoy stocking shelves, which I really did enjoy when I part-owned a health food store years ago. But in my choice to apply with Walmart, I arrogantly figured I would have no trouble getting a job there. Naturally, God made sure my arrogance was confronted. They didn’t want me. I tried reapplying and adjusting my application to include additional positions, weekends, and all but one day of the week. They still didn’t want me. The whole process was somewhat fascinating as I observed the Law of Attraction and felt my emotions as they came up (rejection is an obvious one that I am still working on). One surprising response from the Law of Attraction was that, at the very minute I was completing my initial application for Walmart, I received a surprising and generous donation! Would God really reward me for applying for a job at Walmart even if they didn’t want me? How cool is that? I guess I just needed to be willing to be more self responsible, more humble to the possibility of having to change my schedule to work for pay. When months went by and I finally gave up on Walmart contacting me, I realized that I didn’t really have much desire to work there or the other place I applied, at least not with any degree of passion. I was applying because I thought I needed to. But it also got me thinking about other ways of being financially self-responsible.
As you know if you read my blog that I have a desire to write the book, The Truth—A beginner’s perspective on what could be the most important information a person could ever learn. I still have this desire and am still working on it, but I don’t want to do it for the sake of money. I want to give it away.
I haven’t posted new chapters of the book (here in my blog) for quite some time because, instead of writing new chapters, I decided to go back to the beginning and re-write what I had already written. This is taking me a lot more time and effort than I expected, but that is ok. It is worth the effort. And I get to enjoy the process, with lots of opportunity to feel, receive guidance, and consider God’s Truth when I am writing it.
To support this book desire, even in its formative stages, I found a website where I could post the revised chapters as I update them and offer them as a free download. Here is the link to my page on that site: https://ko-fi.com/jenniferbrownson. There is a “shop” tab to the right of my picture where you can access the free download. I appreciate that this site allows me to offer the evolving download for free, costs me nothing, and allows readers to donate if they wish to. A free download of an unfinished book doesn’t exactly sound like a dependable income source, but this is actually where I received the donation mentioned above as well as other donations. Thank you donators!
While pondering other possible income sources (not really having faith in what God could do in this department), I considered going back to school to get my massage license so I could practice here in Arizona. But I had just missed the deadline for that program by a few weeks, so I couldn’t act on that idea until next year. Then I went for a massage with a local lady and she mentioned that the massage school nearby is often looking for teachers. Hmm, maybe, if I renewed my license, I could teach massage therapy in harmony with God’s Laws. I could share with them the true cause of body issues and how to heal them. That felt way more interesting but I would still have to wait a year for the relicensing program to begin.
I then started thinking and praying to God about, What would I REALLY love to do if I could do anything in the whole world that I wanted to do?
I realize I want to work for God. I feel the most joy when I am sharing Divine Truth with folks who are genuinely interested and in an intimate setting. This does happen on occasion, and I would love to do that more. When I had that thought, I felt a sense of encouragement. And then my doubts. But, God… I am still in the hells, how can that happen? Won’t I be a hypocrite? And similar such thoughts. Even if I did give it a go, could I trust God that much—to do everything for free and still have all the money I need?
Interestingly, since pondering these ideas (and crying a lot), things have started to feel more hopeful. Even as a highly imperfect example of God’s Way, maybe there are people I can help if God would help me. OK, God, let’s give this a go. I thought I could call myself a “Spiritual Counselor,” but I found out that I could not legally call myself a “counselor” without requisite training; I could, however, call myself a “coach.” I created a business card as Spiritual Coach—enjoying the creative part—and put a few on a local bulletin board, which felt scary but a step towards my desire.
The next thing that happened in this growing desire was the Law of Attraction event that I wrote about in the last blog post, Murderous Rage. After I had processed that particular tidal wave of rage, terror and grief, and caught up on my sleep, I felt fantastic! Something definitely released and shifted. I hadn’t felt this happy in a long time. I had so much desire come bubbling up that I immediately wanted to do more than wait for people to respond to a little business card. I wanted to do some talks about certain subjects of Divine Truth that I felt drawn to. I came up with several subjects and decided to do a series of talks, one per month for at least four months. I registered my first event with the sites, www.eventbrite.com and www.meetup.com and secured space at the Snowflake-Taylor Public Library Community Room.
The first talk, which I presented on January 12 to an audience of five, was The Spiritual Side of Healing. I have always been fascinated by the spiritual view of the body and healing. Caroline Myss, the author of Anatomy of the Spirit (1996), was one of my first heroes. I had fantasies of being able to do what she did for people, to decipher the mysteries of illness and pain and guide people to permanent healing by addressing spiritual causes. Perhaps some of those fantasies played a part in my becoming a massage therapist. But I didn’t (yet) have what she had, whatever that was, talent, sensitivity, spirit help, evolved soul condition, etc. What I found in my own body and in those of my massage clients was that, with massage alone, our body issues never really healed. They would get better for a while but that was all. Something was missing—until I learned about the truth Jesus and Mary are teaching.
I recorded my presentation for my personal reflection but decided to share it anyway since some friends expressed interest in seeing it. I see a number of issues that hindered the material and overall quality of the presentation, but it is a start. In addition to things like forgetting what I wanted to say about God’s definition of love compared to ours, two major things showed up that need attention: In an attempt to avoid feeling my emotions, I spoke of Jesus and Mary as the teachers of this material in a way that discounted them, saying that who they are isn’t important. Yet, if they weren’t who they are, this material would likely not be available on this planet. In all likelihood, they have played a major role in extending my life on earth (since repressed and denied emotions kill people) and a major role in my long-term future happiness, yet I did not offer them the respect they deserve. In feeling about this, I am humbled to think of the unimaginable love and connection they were willing to give up in order to come here and be dismissed, ridiculed, and attacked. In addition to my diminishing attitude toward them, the video exposed a similar issue with God. I made a comment about faith that diminished the importance of faith in God. I realize I still feel shame about desiring a relationship with God, which I definitely need to correct if I want to grow a relationship with God! There are things on this journey towards love that are much more important than my personal painful emotions. I am asking God to help me get my priorities straight and grow my soul to honor not only Jesus and Mary but also, above all else, God, truth, and love—to stand up for them regardless of what personal discomfort that might entail. Here is the video of The Spiritual Side of Healing:
My next talk, coming up this Friday, is What Happens When We Die. I am excited about this one too. Through participation in a mediumship group (which I left last spring) and continued communication (as best I can) with spirits since then, I have gained more understanding of what Jesus and Mary have shared about spirits and how important this topic is for physical people and spirits alike. I hope folks will come. If just one person shows up, then I can share what I have learned, knowing that there will be spirits there, too, who will benefit.
Interestingly, since my issues with money, my ponderings about how I want to serve, and the event in December that pushed me to feel painful emotions, I have been feeling much happier. As a bonus, I have also received evidence that God cares about my monetary needs too without requiring me to work a job that doesn’t excite me. In December and January, I received two totally unexpected checks from the asbestos litigations in my dad’s work environment. He had died over ten years ago, and my mom, sister, and I figured the settlement was over with. The two recent checks I received are not for a lot of money (because they are shared with numerous recipients), but certainly helpful, and I find the timing interesting in relation to my growing desire to share Divine Truth and trust God. When funds seem to come out of the blue like that, I makes me wonder… what else is possible?
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Lastly, an on a very different note, I also wanted to share my experiences with humanure. This past summer, I decided I would start pooping in buckets and safely process my manure as Corny wrote about in his blog some time ago. My garden soil, though adequate and relatively productive from feeding it with alfalfa (lucern) bits and straw from the floor or the local feed store, seemed to need help to withstand the hotter and dryer summer that we had this year (and which will likely continue). For the first several months of collecting my poop, since it was summer, I set the bucket with a toilet seat in a nice spot out in the garden where I could do my thing without any concern for possible issues like smell, flies, or having to explain a strange bucket in my bathroom (i.e., avoiding emotions). As Corny’s article suggested, I emptied the full buckets in an old bathtub where I placed 1000 red wiggler worms to happily help with the transformation. But after some correspondence with Corny, I decided to change a few things and make it a permanent part of my homestead. I bought a proper snap-on bucket toilet seat and placed it in my bathroom with another bucked for the mulch topping. I have had no issues with smell or flies or embarrassing emotions (since I have yet to have any visitors since making this transition). I decided to expanded my composting worm system from the bathtub into a circular framework using straw bales as a border (chosen for insulation, ease, additional healthy habitat for the worms, and minimal cost) and a center circle of fencing filled with leaves. I then relocated my earlier summer “deposits” and the red worm residents. The idea with this circle is, after adequate time to compost (which I decided to be two years to be totally on the safe side), I will start harvesting the manure from the part of the circle where I started and continue harvesting around and around, only taking what has sat for 2 years. According to the Humanure Handbook, harvesting could begin much sooner and still be safe, but the two year wait wipes out even the most resistant pathogens. Here is the picture:
OK, well, I think that is enough update for now.
Until next time,
—Jennifer
Learning To Live And Love God's Way 