Discoveries About Anger

As I mentioned in my last blog post Murphy Meets God, God’s Laws have been helping me to feel lots of emotions around not getting what I want, and having lots of things going ‘wrong’ (according to my definition). That has been a regular theme since acquiring this new home of mine in March, and mostly that is still the case (October). Some things have eventually been completed, and some things recently, like the bathroom tiling, even occurred without incident. Wow, do I celebrate those triumphs! But several projects continue to be a struggle. For example, I did end up having to drill a whole new well, at the cost of around $15,000. And I still do not have a functioning toilet, shower, or solar system.

So with eight months of crazy, frustrating events, I have had countless opportunities to explore my anger issues, since that has been the primary emotion that comes up when I don’t get my way. But actually, anger is an emotion I have been working on for about six years (or at least I thought I was working on it), since I learned about releasing emotions from Jesus and Mary. All this time, I have been attempting to release anger by bashing my bashing pole or my punching bag, and yelling into my cloths, but it is still there. It is still in my soul. All of God’s Laws have been attempting to help me deal with this life-long anger issue, but I have not been getting to the root of it. I have gone through immense frustration at how anger just keeps arising in me. My lack of success with anger tells me that there must be emotions underneath the anger that I am not releasing—emotions that I must be highly resistive to.

Only in the last few weeks, I have been making what feel like small but important steps in my journey to release the anger from my soul. God has finally been able to help me see some Truth about my anger: I actually want to be angry at others and myself. The reason for that is that I have a well established false belief that anger is how you get what you want. I really believe that. And I haven’t really felt that anger was wrong. It was just what I was taught to do. It is what my parents did, and probably what their parents did. I was taught that anger is the method to get things done when things aren’t going smoothly. Anger is the only method I have known. And it appears to work! How could such a useful tool be wrong?

But it is wrong, and it betrays a total lack of understanding of free will and love. I am being shown that in using anger, I am firstly putting all the blame on others, and actually attempting to punish and shame others (and sometimes myself) into doing what I want. Blaming, punishing and shaming I can, at least partly, feel as sin, because I’ve felt lots of that done to me, and it hurts. It damages people. So making this connection between anger and these more obvious sins is an important step. It is helping me to feel a little more of God’s perspective on what I have been doing with anger. And the fact that I use it in an attempt to get people to feed my demands and expectations and addictions to certain outcomes, is another layer of the sin involved about which I have much more to feel about.

So having awareness of these two things: a big false belief about anger, and the attempt to blame, punish and shame, are important. However, it won’t change much with just the awareness. From what I understand, I need to unravel some pretty entrenched belief systems and go through a repentance process of inflicting this anger upon the world (and myself). And that is going to involve feeling much more deeply the errors (sins) involved.

Then I wonder… if I stop projecting anger, what do I do when everything is going awry, when I feel rage bubbling up, and the bashing isn’t working? This is where I am venturing into very uncomfortable territory. I have been practicing feeling the horrible feelings that arise just ‘before’ or underneath the anger. I tell myself, ‘be humble, be humble, and letting really yucky feelings come up that I can tell I really rant to avoid. What I have discovered is a whole bunch of emotions around how much I don’t feel cared for, and without my ‘friend’ anger, I also feel so powerless to get what I need or want.

Not feeling cared for is an emotion I have been working on for a while, so I haven’t been feeling so terrified about it lately. However, just recently, God has shown me that I was feeling a little less terrified of this emotion because of resistance, not because I had made great progress on it! The thing is, there are so many layers of this issue, so much emotion locked inside me about how unloved I really was at the emotional level, that I am only letting myself feel it as the true will of my soul dictates. This is not an emotion I can use will-power to push through! It is so terrifying to feel how emotionally abandoned I was as a child that everything has to be aligned before each layer of that injury opens up for me to feel.

My terror of powerlessness is a little different. That one has become much closer to the surface, right under the anger every time something goes wrong. I am absolutely terrified of having no power to control my environment. For years I have had dreams where the brakes or steering go out, and I have absolutely no control of the vehicle I am driving. Now those dreams are making sense. Naturally, this gets down to how terrified I felt as a child of that powerlessness—powerless to protect myself from the anger, expectations and demands of me, powerless to find dependable love and emotional support, powerless to stop my body from wetting the bed, powerless to avoid the addictions that I was groomed and forced through anger and control to fulfill in my parents. I have resisted the Truth of this damage because I so wanted to believe my parents loved me in a pure way, and had my best interest as a priority. Sure, there were times of love. There was consistent support of my physical needs, and even support of a number of childhood desires, but there was such a strong undercurrent based on unloving projections, denials, untruth, manipulations, control and outright angry attack, that great damage was done. I am learning that God’s perspective of how most children on this planet are treated is totally different to how we are taught to perceive our childhood. And God’s perspective is that pretty much everyone is greatly damaged and that most of that damage gets established as children by our families. Slowly, I am opening to God’s Truth about my life. And it is very confronting, and certainly comes with it lots of painful emotions.

The other key element to letting go of anger and becoming a loving person, is the love factor. I need to keep growing my desire for love and truth. I need to build my faith in love. Currently, I don’t actually trust love. Real love, as God knows it, has not played much of a role in my life. I don’t have much experience in its positive outcomes. Jesus teaches us that love is a gift. And for it to be a gift, we cannot expect it from people, which is what I have been doing. I have expected people to be considerate, be true to their word, do their work well, etc… in other words—be loving to me. And when they didn’t, I would get angry—proof that I had demands of them. I can see that this is an attempt to get, from those around me currently, the love and consideration I didn’t get as a child. This is how addictions work, but the problem is that addictions don’t work, and they cause damage to others as well as ourselves.

To transform myself from an angry person to a loving one, I will need to work through a pile of blocks: Why I want to keep ‘doing anger,’ why I don’t want to take responsibility for my Law of Attraction events and the emotions they prompt, why I don’t want to trust love, why I don’t want to feel the sins of my unloving actions and belief systems, and why I don’t want to feel the emotions that would free me from my past and block me to God’s Love and Truth. And as I move through these blocks, then I will be able to long more successfully (pray) for God’s Love and Truth, and be more humble to feeling each painful emotion as it arises.

I have found it to be very helpful to let myself feel why I don’t want to feel all the emotions that need releasing. That seems to be the key to the deeper stuff that is driving my anger.

I cannot even imagine the impact on my life the clearing of these anger emotions will have. That’s going to be huge. And its quite exciting to ponder. Thank goodness God and Her Laws are always there to help us work through it. I am definitely going to need the help.

Teepee Poles and Cloudy Weather

Back in June, when summer came quickly to heat up my new desert home, I was outside in front of my house watering my newly planted trees and bushes in the cool morning calmness, and a truck came down the normally quiet dirt road that I live on. This was especially unusual this early in the morning. It wasn’t one of the regular trucks of the neighbors I see go by.

As I usually do, I raised my hand in a neighborly wave, and the truck slowed to a stop. I made my way across the sandy distance to see what the person, a man, I could see, wanted. He was a Navajo who had seen the teepee poles standing on my property and was curious about them. I explained that I did not put them there, and wasn’t sure if they would ever have new ‘skins’, or what I would do with them. but in the mean time, I enjoyed the fact that the birds loved to perch on the end of those 20+ foot poles, as they were the tallest perches around.

The Teepee poles on my property where the birds love to perch.

The man explained he was a horseshoer on his way to take care of some neighbor’s horses, which explained the early hour, as horseshoers like to do their work when it is not so hot. We chatted a bit about natural horse hoof care and nature, and he asked me if I was alone there. I was. Then as we chatted, he asked again. Are you alone here? Asking once seemed normal, but twice? Hmm. I chose to ignore. I do have the tendency to think if I ignore this, it will be fine. Or maybe it was that I don’t want to face the fact that I am alone here, and don’t really want to feel about that. The thought instead was, making some new friends would be nice.

He asked if he could stop by on his return, see the teepee site, and swap nature stories. I agreed, imagining sharing a casual ‘cuppa’ as they say in Australia (ie a cup of tea).

I had a nice experience with a Navajo elder a few months before, when the elder came to pick up a bed I had posted on Craig’s List. So I was telling myself it would be another nice connection, a friend to say hello to as they drive by these remote dirt roads.

An hour or two later, I heard the truck returning. He parked by the teepee poles, and as is a Navajo custom, he stayed in his truck until invited out. I invited him to see the poles. He was a big guy.

We chatted about the ceremonies of teepees and sweat lodges, and I noticed he repeated himself often. It was kind of irritating, but I still wasn’t really feeling the situation.

After about 10-15 minutes, we started back towards his truck. He had a cold, so I told him, ‘I would shake your hand, but you have a cold’ (he’d been coughing into his hands repeatedly). Yet he put his hand out anyway to shake mine. I didn’t want to be rude (addiction), so I shook it, despite my desire not to (lack of self honor/love). He kind of pulled me towards him as he shook my hand. Ick. Another warning if I had been humble to feeling. Then he opened his arms the way people do when they are requesting a hug.  My honest feeling was this feels bad, but I feel obligated to be nice. So again in my addiction of pleasing a man and ignoring the growing list of yucky vibes, I agreed and started to give him a hub. That is when it became obvious to me what was going on. He trapped me against him and attempted a kiss. I of course turned my head and tried to back away. He had me trapped. I got angry. At this close proximity, I could smell alcohol on his breath. I didn’t fight him or struggle, but said slowly and deliberately and with what I believed was authority (but was more a mix of anger and terror), “Take your arm off of me.” “Take your arm off of me”. Finally he did.

“Its time for you to go now,” I said. He asked for a final hug, as in ‘no bad feelings heh?’ What?! You gotta be kidding!. I said, “Sorry, pal, you just lost that privilege.”

He got in his truck and drove away.

And I cried the rest of the afternoon.

It has been pointed out to me, and now I too see patterns in myself of not telling myself the truth, not seeing the whole picture of a situation, not trusting my feelings, or not even recognizing or feeling when something is off. How does that kind of denial get established?

I was telling this story to my friend Julie, and she explained that she learned to pick up on expectations from men and confront them immediately with something like, “I am not interested in sex or a relationship; I am just being friendly, so don’t get any ideas.” (Not her exact words but something to that effect).

I had not learned that lesson.

This relatively gentle but effective Law of Attraction incident could have been a whole lot worse. But it didn’t need to be (at least right now). It was terrifying enough as it was, and I was able to access a whole bunch of emotions around the event, yet I can tell there is more than I am willing to feel right now. Some of the issues are: Why didn’t I feel the truth here?… which leads to… Why didn’t I WANT to feel the truth? Why was I willing to put having a friend above the truth of the unloving situation. How did I come to so habitually ignore my feelings and well being in order to please the male? 

Ignoring my feelings to please the male is obvious. I was trained my whole life to sacrifice myself and please both my dad and my mom, lest I receive their rejection and rage. And my mom was a great teacher of this error too, as she demonstrated throughout my life this very damaging habit of compromising her self-love and self-worth in order to please my dad (and society in general). So I learned this pattern very well. And it is so damaging! 

The feeling of being trapped and overpowered by the male was well highlighted in this event too. That clearly has to do with my dad, as he was a controlling bully, but also it feels generational, in other words, bigger than just events in my childhood, where it could be that some of these painful emotions were passed down from a whole line of women in our family history, who each refused to feel their emotions around these kinds of events.

No matter where painful, fearful emotions come from, if I am going to develop a relationship with God, I will need to take responsibility for these errors being trapped within myself by building my desire to feel the truth and the pain.

Regardless of how much crying I did as a result of this event at the time (which is good), I am learning that emotions are usually far bigger and more entrenched that we believe, due to the very lack of desire to feel the truth and pain of the issues that brings events like this in the first place. And sure enough, a few weeks after the incident, I became aware that I was in a lot of denial of how much fear and terror I carry around inside me all the time that this event was also trying to mobilize. Underneath a lot of denial, I feel very unsafe. At this later time, I was able to tap into this all-pervasive-seeming terror that also felt intergenerational. Jesus has taught recently that this is a certain kind of terror. He calls it ‘global’ terror, in that it effects so many aspects of our lives. I cannot even imagine what I would feel like inside if I did not have this global terror inside. I look forward to that day.

So I will keep praying to God to help me open to more of the fearful emotions inside, and keep visiting this event as long as it brings up emotions for me. Writing this all down has been good for me too. It brings these issues back to my awareness.