I have been intending to write a 2017 summary for some time now, but kept putting my time and attentions elsewhere. One thing about Arizona spring weather is that we get several days at a time when the wind blows hard enough that one does not want to go outside. This is one of those days, so it is a good time to write.
2017 was a rough year for me. I could probably say that about every year of my life—I am not one who glides through life—but this one definitely stands out. The year really started when I received the feedback about my soul condition from Jesus and Mary at the Assistance Group lectures in November 2016. I gave details about that feedback in Truth I Haven’t Wanted To See. That event spiraled me into some really painful places; for months, I was either being attacked by angry spirits or attacking myself with all kinds of judgements.
By June, I was feeling so traumatized and desperate that I wrote to Jesus and Mary for help. I rarely write to them because they are very busy, have already offered so much help with thousands of hours of videos, and don’t have the time to help each of us who get stuck, even if they could. In my case, with all the demand emotions I still have within me, to respond to those demands would just feed my addiction, which love would not allow them to do. So all of this was going through my mind, but I felt so desperate that I wrote to them anyway. If they couldn’t help, at least they would know that I had not and would not give up, despite the mess I was in. Not surprisingly, I did not receive a written reply.
But I sure felt the reply! Within 24 hours of sending the email, I had the “aha moment” I wrote about in The Bully Inside. I made the connection between my real feelings about having to do this work on the house, and my real feelings about doing the work on my soul. The truth was hitting me in the gut: I really don’t want to do this!
I wrote back to Jesus and Mary, sharing what had happened, thanking them for whatever part they played in this visceral realization—how this kind of reply was even better than an email!—and that I would work on resistance emotions.
“I don’t want to!” and its cousin “I don’t have to!” have been a theme for me since that moment. In opening to these emotions, I am finding that each one of them is a multi-layered project in itself. For example, when I feel how much “I don’t want to!”, all kinds of emotion come up from the many times in my life that I felt that I had to do something to please another person so I wouldn’t feel rejected, judged, unwanted, attacked, etc. These frustrated, angry resistance emotions are so thick inside of me that it could take a hundred years or more to work through them. But that is what I will do—right up to the day I become at one with God. And a kicker is that the emotions I am most resistant to feeling are still yet to come! I can see that I will get lots of practice with the I-don’t-want-to’s.
For someone who loves the feeling of progress and accomplishment (and all the approval and avoiding shame addictions that come with it), 2017 felt like failing a course and finding that I not only have to repeat the course, but have to go back and repeat every grunt-work course that led up to it!
Can this really be progress? Well, yes, I feel it is—far from the naive and somewhat glamorous picture I had of becoming more loving and developing a relationship with God, but totally necessary if I ever want to be truly happy.
The good news is that I have been working with these resistance emotions for about 10 months now, and I have felt some change for the better. It is a bit hard to describe, but I feel a little more faith, a little more guidance in my prayer times, and even a little more joy sneaking in at times. And even though I am feeling even stronger feelings of fear when they come up, I feel a little less fearful of this process, a little less pushy with myself, and a little less resistant to where I am at. I am coming to terms with the truth that this is going to be a long road, and its ok. Also, I am allowed to do it at my own pace.
There were times during the year that were enjoyable as well. I had a wonderful time in July when my friend Michael, who lives in Florida, came to visit me. We took a road trip to Sedona, Arizona, where we stayed in a lovely condo (complements of his parents) and went on several hikes. It was summer monsoon season, so the tourist crowd was light, but we lucked out with only occasional rain showers and enjoyed really good hiking.
We took a side trip to nearby Prescott and visited a friend—someone I had known of but hadn’t actually met until then, but a long-time friend of Michael’s. It was a lovely time.
And when we returned to Snowflake, my home received a bountiful blessing of rain—what a delight.
That was the storm that brought about my experience with Clever, Clever God–Part 1, The Pond.
I completed Geoff Lawton’s certification course in Permaculture, turned in my “Final Design Exercise” (a Permaculture design plan for my property), received “Exceeds Expectation” in 6 out of 7 categories, and am now a certified Permaculture Design Consultant. That felt good. And I sure learned a lot. Now, we’ll see how the implementation of it goes. My biggest challenge is keeping any rainwater that does arrive on this parched land (like pictured above) from running off the property. I gave details on some of the techniques I am using to hold moisture and enliven this property in Hope for the Desert.
In August, I attended the North American Mushroom Association (NAMA) foray which was held in the White Mountains just South of me. It was fantastic! I have always been intrigued by mushrooms and what they do for soils and ecosystems, and I loved the idea of harvesting my own edible wild mushrooms. So I searched on line for information and found this three-day event right in my area—perfect for a total beginner.
I met some delightful people, learned how to identify some local edibles, walked around in the beautiful mountains, and found lots of mushrooms. I even planted some “Wine Cap” (Stropharia rugosoannulata) mushroom spawn right in my veggie garden—they would feed on the straw and wood chips I have in abundance there, create soil, and hopefully produce some mushroom “fruits” for several years.
In September, I got a coat of lime plaster on my house: Lime—An Attempt To Build God’s Way. I haven’t made any additional progress on this project, and it is still a source of stress for me, since my home is still vulnerable to the weather in places, and the lime will expire soon. I am having a hard time finding someone to help with the application of it.
In October, I put on a plumber’s hat and finally finished the plumbing that connected my rain tank into the kitchen for drinking water. I celebrated the accomplishment. (The well water here is so high in Calcium that people get kidney stones if they drink it, so I don’t.) But after a few days of enjoying the flow of rainwater into my kitchen, I opened the faucet and nothing came out. It turned out there was a leak in the pipes that had been done a year before, and all my rainwater disappeared into the ground. Needless to say, I was heartbroken. The rainy season had just ended here, and the tanks were full–ready to supply me until next year. Not only would I have to find and fix the leak–it could be anywhere along a 30 foot section–but I would have to haul drinking water from town until we had more rain. That turned out to be about 6 months.
It is all fixed now and the culprit turned out to be this cheap plastic fitting at a joint two feet under ground. Fortunately, I knew approximately where the joints were, and this was only the second hole I had to dig. I had requested brass fittings, but buckled under pressure to get the job done. I won’t be doing that again.
During the summer and into fall, I was able to harvest some veggies from my garden. This was a real treat because growing anything here has been quite a challenge for me.
The fall weather, when we are not going through our other (fall) equinox winds, is wonderful. We have a few occasional frosts starting in late September, but in between are many days in the 70’s (low 20C). This allowed me to harvest tomatoes from my one successful tomato plant (all the other got sick and died) right into December. That tomato plant, by the way, is call “Ropuerco” which means pig, and it sure was a determined little creature—offering more roma-type tomatoes than I though possible on one plant. I even had enough to can with!
In November, I started up my weaving again. I had taken weaving classes in California, but had to put weaving on hold and my loom in storage while I got myself settled and created space for it in my new home. I managed to squeeze my loom into my atrium so I would have a place to weave during the indoor winter months.
It felt really good to play with weaving again. I love the creativity, the colors, and the textures of it. I will share photos of this year’s creations in a later post.
Then in December, I had another note-worthy highlight. Michael had started joining some mutual friends who are developing their mediumship abilities (talking to spirits) as a way of developing in love. They invited me to attend their session via Skype. I rejected the idea at first because I am not in a very good condition, and one’s soul condition has a large effect on what spirits are attracted to the meeting, and how accurate the interaction is—I felt very inadequate. And I have fear of unloving spirits, so most of the time I have tried to avoid spirits altogether. But my friend, Robin, really encouraged me, so I Skyped with them one day.
What occurred was a really powerful experience: we spoke with my dad. He had passed to the Spirit World in 2011, and had contacted me through a dream shortly after passing to apologize and ask for my forgiveness, but I had not heard much from him after that, although there had been times when I spoke to him, feeling that he could hear me.
He was really glad to be able to speak directly to me because he very much wanted to let me know that he was grateful for my dedication to my spiritual work. He was proud of me. This was very emotional for me to hear because he had been very unloving towards me particularly about my involvement with Divine Truth. So to hear him say that he is now learning about it himself, and working through emotions was wonderful. He also said not to feel responsible for my mom, who is entirely dismissive of Divine Truth and the concerns I have shared with her about our relationship. Love necessitated me distancing myself from her, and I have not spoken to her in over a year. It was reassuring to know my dad understood my actions with her.
After this session, I decided that I had much work to do before I would really be able to (and have a sincere desire to) connect lovingly with spirits, and I could do much of that by myself. About once a week after my morning prayer and feeling session, I would tune in and ask if there were any spirits who wanted to know about what I was doing (during my prayer/feeling time). Sure enough, I was able to feel individuals and their questions. I spoke to them and shared what I could about Divine Truth and about God. I had some very emotional experiences doing this. One of the most impactful was when I was praying to God about how I wanted to teach Divine Truth to others, yet felt so inadequate due to my poor soul condition. I particularly wanted to share this truth with young people because they “still had a chance” you could say. Most adults are so cemented into their belief systems that they are very resistant to truth. And if I could help young people make “course corrections” now, they could have a much better experience of life—both on Earth and in the Spirit World.
Then I had a flash of understanding… I could help young people who are spirits! That might sound obvious, but to me it was a revelation. I could feel the desire in my heart take a huge leap, and with it, a burst into tears. And I immediately felt a large group of young spirits all around me. They weren’t sure why they were there—they had been brought or drawn to me. I spoke to several of them, and it was a very memorable, heartfelt experience.
Spirits are much easier to discuss Divine Truth with than physical people because they can perceive more easily. You can show them things, and there are other helping spirits available that they can see and interact with. And they can see your own emotions, so they know you are speaking the truth to them. It is a wonderful way to share Divine Truth. And it doesn’t even matter what condition I am in, because there are lots of spirits who are in a similar condition, and this creates a connection, a camaraderie. As long as they desire to discover, I can share what I am learning. And if they take the steps that I and the helping spirits suggest, they will make very positive changes in their spirit-life experience.
I will continue to feel and talk to spirits, but in order to develop into a good medium, I will need more desire, time and dedication, as well as a more loving soul condition. I will just take one day at a time.
So that was my 2017 in a nutshell. Hopefully my 2018 will have more of the good stuff. I hope yours does too.