In my last blog post, (Discoveries About Anger), I shared some insights I had recently had about my continued issue with anger. Well, it turns out, my soul issues are even more serious than I thought.
A few weeks ago (mid-November, 2016), I flew to Queensland, Australia to attend the second of the Assistance Groups that Jesus and Mary gave on Understanding God’s Loving Laws in the the Education in Love series. [More information on these lectures can be found at: Divine Truth Assistance Group Information]
It was announced at the Friday evening introductory session, that Jesus and Mary had noticed an increasing problem with inter-gender issues occurring in the Assistance Groups, and that they were going to start enforcing God’s Loving Laws in order to resolve the issue. On Sunday morning, that enforcement came to be, and along with 7 others, I was asked to leave the event. Jesus explained that I was one of ten women who, aware of it or not, were in such rage and anger primarily at men, that it was causing a significant imbalance in the ratios of men and women in the audience, and creating an atmosphere where neither gender feels safe to feel their emotions. Men were being repelled by us women, keeping them from attending (only 24% men, 22% if you subtract the men who had stayed over from the first session).
Here are the emotions shared by the ten of us women:
1. wanting to emasculate men emotionally and sexually
2. desire to gain power and control over and bully other women
3. and have an arrogant delusion about our own goodness
I felt like I was in shock when he called my name. I have believed that although I wasn’t making much progress on my anger issues, I was still headed in the right direction. I believed I was feeling key emotions. I believed I was sincere in my desire to bring my life (although slowly, and with struggle) into harmony with God’s Laws. I believed I must be making at least some progress with all the emotions that have come up. Even now, I am struggling to let the truth of what Jesus said settle in my heart. And for me personally, he explained, the sin was even worse, because of the total denial of these emotions within me.
After hearing this truth, I stayed at the resort and attempted to feel whatever I could in the privacy of my room. I felt some anger and frustration. But as I was doing this, I realized that I didn’t even really understand what rage was. So I did some research on the internet. It turns out that rage is different from anger. It is the emotion caused by the repeated denial of anger. The anger apparently grows and festers to the point where we want to destroy things and people. That is rage. And that explained a few things for me. Firstly, I have never really let myself feel any rage. The emotions were just too ugly—the desire to kill or destroy people, for example is a rage emotion. Now the emotions that Jesus described made more sense. These are the kinds of emotions that come from lots of suppression of anger.
I also searched on the internet for resources on releasing rage, and found something that seemed helpful: (http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/TMS_Recovery_Program#Feel_Your_Feelings ; part II, the audio on rage), and was able to follow along with a counselor who walked a person through some rage release. It was frightening to allow myself to feel the honest emotions that came up of hating and wanting to destroy my parents. There was so much rage that came about how my needs were frequently met with anger, ridicule, denial, condescension, blame, inconsistency etc from my parents. I can see how all this has led to my desire to control, gain power, and bully all who I believe are a threat to me or want to control or negate me.
In addition to this major feedback, Jesus also spoke to me (when I first arrived to the event) about this website and blog. He asked if I still had comments allowed on it. I said I did, but that I wasn’t attached to them and would easily remove them. He assured me that emotionally I did have attachment to people commenting. He said that I also have an emotion of wanting to involve others in my emotions, which was evident in the blog. And he pointed out that in our short conversation about it, I was demonstrating resistance to Truth about both issues. I asked him if I should not do a blog while I am in my current condition, and he said there is nothing wrong with doing a blog [if it is in harmony with love]. Of course he wasn’t going to tell me what to do, but it appears that I need to work through these emotions he mentioned, and look honestly at my motivations behind my website and blog.
I have a tendency to be hard on myself when I don’t succeed at something, or when someone points out my failings. A part of me wants to go into hiding until I get it right, until I am finally a loving person. One thing I need to keep in mind is (I have a tendency to forget) that my purpose in attempting to engage God’s Way is learning about love. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to discover things about myself that are not loving. It is going to be confusing because of the false things I was taught about truth and love as a child. Yet one thing I am hearing, as I listen to audio recordings of the first session of God’s Loving Laws that a friend shared with me, is that God knows that we want to learn Her Way, and God has compassion for us in the mistakes we make as we get there. I need to develop that quality—to have compassion for myself, rather than pummel myself with criticism because I am not a loving person yet.
From what I am learning from Jesus and Mary, it is apparent that in order to become that loving person, I am going to need to grow my sincere desire for Love and Truth, grow my desire for honest self-evaluation, and a mega-dose of desire to feel all that is causing such unloving emotions. That’s a lot of desire-growing. We’ll see how it goes.
I also want to take some time off from doing this blog to feel emotions related to all this feedback. As hard as it is for me to see right now, truthful feedback is always a positive thing. It is a loving correction that has the potential to put me back on course towards love and God. It doesn’t feel that way right now. It just feels confusing and overwhelming, but I will let myself feel these emotions too.