The Bully Inside

As I have described in previous posts, here at my high desert home, there is a seemingly endless list of things that need attention, fixing, doing, building, planting, creating etc to make it a truly safe, secure, comfortable, self-responsible, enjoyable and beautiful home, and the sheer magnitude of this list really get me down at times. I often feel overwhelmed.

A few days ago, I had a really important aha moment regarding all this work. I realized that my real emotion about it is that, most of the time, I DON’T WANT TO DO IT. Sometimes I have been able to hire others to help me, but the Law of Attraction for me has been full of challenges in finding or keeping help. I end up being stuck with the thing that needs fixing or doing, and no one to help me.

I have frequently FORCED myself to do the task, at times thinking that God and Her Laws must want me to be more self-sufficient and stop relying on my brothers to do all this work for me. I do after all have expectations and demands towards men, so some of this overwhelming frustration is also God’s Laws at work on those errors in my soul.

But in this aha moment, I suddenly recognized that the gut-twisting resistance and overwhelm to these daunting physical tasks has a much bigger message for me: Forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do is not loving. It is not honoring or listening to the tightening in my gut that is trying to communicate to me. It is an emotion that needs to be felt, not overridden or ignored, but really allowed its full expression—so it can be released. And this I don’t want to response to all the physical tasks parallels the resistance I have to feeling emotions. I have that same feeling when I am faced with the truth about my self and my sins, and the causal emotions of childhood pain. I really don’t want to do or feel any of these things!!

It is no wonder I have not made progress on this journey to God. I have been swept up in the two biggest time-wasting eddies of all: 1. No soul-level desire to see the truth about myself—mostly my sins against myself and others, and 2. No soul-level desire to release causal childhood emotional errors. Jesus has explained that the soul simply cannot heal without Truth and soul-based desire. I have tried really hard to use my willpower to make things happen, but without the cooperation and desire of the soul, it just won’t work.

Jesus has said so many times that forcing ourselves using will power to do something we really don’t want to do at the soul level is very unloving to ourselves and thus actually a sin. I have heard him say that over an over, but I never really understood it, because I never felt it before. Instead of engaging in this unloving demand of ourselves, he has encouraged us to feel the emotions of how much we don’t want to do it. But, until my aha moment, I only accepted this intellectually. It sounded good. And I have occasionally visited the emotion of not wanting to, but didn’t really connect it with that small clenching of my gut every time I had a task ahead of me that I was willing to push myself into. Now that I have allowed myself to connect the feeling in my gut with my soul’s cry against being pushed into things, I don’t think I can ignore it anymore.

Needle_girl

It is easy to see how this ties in with so many childhood emotions of feeling forced to do all the typical things of childhood: eat your peas, stop crying, clean your room, do the dishes, go to school, go to church, get a shot from the doctor, get woken up to go pee so I wouldn’t wet my bed, shut up or someone will get angry, etc. All these things may sound normal or even harmless, but every time we are forced against our will, and not even allowed to express our unhappiness about it, the frustrated emotions get stuck in our soul and body. I have a feeling there mountains of such emotions within me.

This new understanding is also helping me to see that I have not been listening to, valuing or honoring myself, my soul. The Law of Attraction has brought me a lifetime of experiences of others not listening to me, and not giving value to what I say, think, or feel. Now I can see why. I am ignoring myself too.

Unfortunately, I also get down on myself—judge myself—for ‘not wanting to’, among other things. I believe I should deal with these dark emotions in me if I am to become a loving person. I should want to become a loving person. I should get over this resistance and want to do these household tasks if I want to have a nice home. I should face my fears about doing them wrong, and having things leak and break due to my incompetence. While facing our fears may be a good thing, I still need to feel about why I have these fears, and why I don’t really want to face them. And judging myself is totally against God’s Way as well, and it too will completely halt my progress towards love. Wow, so many blocks! Perhaps I will gain some more clarity about that sin as I work through the ‘I don’t want to’ issue.

So I ask myself, “Why, at the soul level, do I so much not want to do these things?”

I suspect there are many soul-based reasons for my current attitude, but so far, the one reason that jumps out is that I feel forced to do them. I feel like someone is bullying me, and I am angry about it. My parents, like most, bullied me—a child only has to feel threatened to feel bullied— but now that I am an adult person, I am actually bullying myself!!

female_bully

All this forcing and bullying is very unloving and will thus cause me to continue spiraling down a path away from God, not towards God. It is impressive how powerful the soul is— that I didn’t even start to ‘get this’ at all until the other day. Sometimes our resistance to truth is that strong.

The way forward from here is to:

  1. Stop the forcing
  2. Stop ignoring and lying to myself about my real feelings, and explore why I have wanted to ignore and deceive myself
  3. And feel viscerally, deeply and fully all the emotions contributing to why I don’t want to feel the causal emotions, do the household tasks etc.

In the spirit world, apparently, the teachers of Divine Truth only give us one issue at a time to work on. And for me, right now, this is the one.

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