On the emotional front:
Whereas most of 2017 was spent battling a well-established habit of self-judgement as a way to avoid really facing the essential course-correcting feedback I received from Jesus and Mary in late 2016, this year was a little better. (See blog post Truth I Haven’t Wanted to See for details on the truth I received.) While self-judgement is still working its way out of my system, I seem to be able to spot that old tail-spinner sooner and seek, instead, to feel the genuine underlying emotions. I have to keep reminding myself to let go of expectations of myself and just keep reaching out to God and feeling whatever comes next. I still struggle with faith in God and the process of releasing emotions because I have not fully released any painful emotions to completion to know what it feels like. On the other hand, I do have regular experiences that confirm the validity of diving into whatever emotion is needing attention. I feel terrible one moment (or longer), dive in, and sure enough, come out feeling tons better. It is finally sinking in that I can trust at least that part. One of the positive outcomes of this inner work is that we become more and more sensitive to emotions, and I am feeling that happening. The rest of the world wants to avoid and desensitize themselves from their pain, whereas those of us attempting to follow God’s Way see sensitivity as progress to true healing.
One thing I know for sure: although I may resist, curse, spin my wheels at times, and take a number of detours along the way, this is a journey that I will continue forever. It is hard to explain the feeling of being lovingly guided to dive into painful emotions, but I feel a kind of rightness about all of this, that nothing else compares to the importance of it. I feel a whisper in my heart that assures me I am on the journey that will ultimately lead me to the kind of unshakable love that will reveal itself when I become perfectly aligned with God and my soulmate too.
One of the gifts from last year (2017) was the recognition of the importance of the I don’t want to emotions, and that gift has gained an even clearer presence this year. These emotions include: I don’t want to feel these painful emotions! I shouldn’t have to have all this pain! Its not fair! I don’t have to! You can’t make me! Obviously these are coming from the angry childhood experiences of always being dictated to. Jesus and Mary have explained that they are very important emotions to feel because they block us from getting to what is underneath. I chuckle at myself now because last year, when the importance of feeling these first penetrated my resistence, I thought could work through them in a few months. Now I can see now that allowing the angry I don’t want to emotions are going to be on-going as long as I have emotions to release! In other words, they block the whole process of releasing the most damaging stuff, which for me appears to be (because they are the ones I most avoid) the pain of criticism, rejection, shame, demands and threat from childhood.
I had some insights this year into another problem I was struggling with. Instead of embracing the forgiveness and repentance processes, I realized I was still holding onto my anger and blame in a desperate attempt to keep myself “innocent.” My faulty thinking told me that as long as the damage in my soul was someone else’s fault, then I could remain “innocent” and avoid more feelings of criticism and rejection that I know would come from others if I owned up to my unloving issues. This faulty thinking just kept me stuck.
Thank goodness, in one of my sessions with my guides (and God too I hope), I let myself feel some of this avoidance, and somehow a little spark of compassion for myself crept in. It was kind of like I accepted myself just a little more and that was all that was needed for a little bit of love to come in. I can have all these errors and God is not my dad judging me constantly. I have much more to do on this issue, but it feels like some of the heaviness I’ve lived under has lifted.
Serving through editing and writing:
I noticed this year that I have drawn a few opportunities to be of service. I believe this is a good shift, because for the past few years, I have been focusing so much on establishing my new home and working on my soul (attempting to release errors from it).
One of these opportunities for service came last spring, when my friend Michael (an experienced editor) and I were invited to assist our friends in Australia with the much needed editing revisions of the Through the Mists books. Michael and I love these books so much, and had already started editing them ourselves, so this was a nice surprise. Barb, the leader of the editing team, expressed that she wanted her local group to do some revisions to the Divine Truth editing resource document before involving us, so the project got delayed. While I was waiting to hear back from them (which hasn’t happened to date), I took the extra time to pursue a desire that had been bubbling around inside me, a desire even more exciting to me than editing: I started writing a book on Divine Truth.
The process of writing a book about Divine Truth has been a great learning opportunity and exercise in feeling emotions, error, love, guidance, and reflection of emotions. I can tell it is going to take me a long time to write it (years), because not only is there a lot to cover, each section seems to get additional edits each time I read it. When I finally do get it finished, I will share it as a free download here on my website.
Another opportunity to serve that kind of took me by surprise is my growing involvement with a group of us connected to Divine Truth who desire to explore mediumship as a way to grow in love. I mentioned in my 2017 Summary that I had been invited to the mediumship group and had the chance to interact with my dad, which was wonderful, but I didn’t really have a strong desire at that time to do mediumship or to face my fears of spirits or of doing it wrong, so I came that one time but didn’t stay. But this past November, I felt some desire to try it again. I have always been sensitive emotionally, and it turns out that is a good thing when it comes to learning mediumship. I am learning that when we connect with spirits by feeling them on an emotional/soul level, we can be much more accurate mediums compared to the more common method of “hearing” or “seeing” them. This is because when a medium relies on visual or auditory clues, a spirit can easily tell us or show us things that are not accurate. But when we develop our ability to accurately feel a person’s soul, we cannot be lied to or misled. But in order for us to feel accurately, we have to grow our desire and sensitivity to all emotions — within ourselves as well as within others, which is what I am working on.
What we do in the mediumship group is have our guides gather spirits who are ready and wanting to heal and change. Most of them are in very painful conditions, which is far more the norm than people realize. One of our group is the medium for the spirit to have a voice, and another of us acts as an interviewer to talk to the spirit. Our main goal is to assist these spirits to connect with their guides who love them and will help them heal. The spirits may have seen the brighter helper-spirits off in a distance, but didn’t realize they were there to help them personally. Spirits are so easy to help on the road towards love and healing compared to physical people, because God’s laws of love can be demonstrated to spirits quickly and easily due to the nature of the spirit world. Spirits usually don’t blast us with judgement and resistance about what we tell them, because we can demonstrate the reality of what we say so easily. And spirits are much more humble because in the spirit world, all emotions and soul development can be seen clearly, unlike here on earth, where people are desperate to hide their true feelings and can be completely fooled about their evolution or lack of evolution in love. Working with spirits is such rewarding work.
Since joining the mediumship group, I have received encouragement as well as feedback about my remaining unloving emotions that are still hindering my ability to be loving (and therefore also hindering my mediumship). My fear of being rejected and judged (which is really a refusal to feel the causal emotions) creeps in sometimes and I wonder if I will be asked to leave the group, but they have only been supportive of my intentions to self-reflect, feel what arises, and keep working on the causal emotions, all keys to growing in love.
One of the exercises we are doing as emotion-based mediumship trainees is to practice feeling specific people, record our findings and compare notes. It has been very enlightening and filled with gifts. One such surprise for me was a wonderful experience I had with the original founder of the Lutheran church, Martin Luther. He is in the celestial heavens now and he was able to emotionally teach me a few things about letting go of judgement. It was really amazing.
I look forward to become an ever-better medium so I can continue this opportunity to help spirits, interact with people who are more loving than me, and grow in love. I think our leader, Robin, is doing a great job keeping us aimed towards love. We have had some stimulating experiences in the group as people come and go, learn and grow.
Family and money:
As I continually become more sensitive to my emotional errors (a good thing, I keep reminding myself), I have felt more motivation this year to address addictions I have with my mom. About a year ago, I attempted to communicate with her my concerns about our addictions, but found no desire on her part to even understand any of this “spiritual stuff,” so I did what I felt I needed to do address our addictions and started limiting my interactions with her to emails. It is kind of cool, though, how even such minimal communication (or lack of) can still bring up powerful emotions for me to feel. (I have a lot of mom-based errors in addition to all the dad stuff.) This fall, I finally expressed to her that I felt it was time I dealt with my addictions with her around money. She gets to feel like a good, valuable mom in sending me money, and I get to feel loved by receiving it. But in reality, it aggravates a belief I have that I am not capable of creating anything of value for myself or others. I have had quality employment and self-employment in the past but have never dealt with the emotions of how I don’t feel my creations have any value — a natural result of a highly critical father combined with my unwillingness to release related emotions. I asked my mom to stop sending me money—not even birthdays or holidays. That was hard to do, but it was making me feel sick inside to keep that mutually detrimental addiction in place (one of those things where I knew it is wrong to continue, but tried to justify and ignore until it was making me sick). There is much for me to feel about my issues around feeling valued in the world, but I think this is an action I needed to take to get to some of these emotions. In this process, I got to experience something I recall Jesus mentioning: when we make a clear decision for love, the intention to do that will bring about loving results even before the action takes place. That is what happened for me. When I knew I would address the money issue with my Mom, a huge heaviness lifted, even though it took me a few days to actually do it.
Since moving here to the outback of Arizona, I have missed the joy of playing with other musicians like I did in California. So last spring, I decided to start a weekly “wholesome music jam” through Meetup.com with the hopes of finding people to play music with. I had a great time and met a few lovely musicians in the process, but after a while, there was just two of us, so I canceled the group and just played together with the one person, a guitar player, who remained. He and I played for several months, but are not meeting currently.
In December, I was contacted by the leader of a rock band who had found my phone number at the music store in Show Low and wanted to know if I sang as well as played the fiddle. I explained that I have a decent voice, but am not a natural singer, meaning I have to work at it. I resisted at first, but he called again a few weeks later and wanted to come over and audition me, so I agreed. He ended up liking what he heard (fiddle and voice), so he gave me a list of songs and I picked out ones I liked. I told him that I only wanted to spend my time doing things that encouraged people in positive ways, and that I was not into singing or playing songs that encouraged drinking, drugs, smoking, or other unhealthy activities. He agreed with that idea initially, but after I performed with the band a few times, I noticed that his desire wasn’t really aligned with mine. But heck, I got to sing and play in a rock band!! They were really good musicians and it was really fun! I will keep nurturing my desire to play with musicians who share my love-focused ideas. I have faith that eventually it will become a reality.
On the relationship front, I have not dated in over a year, but I believe I am making a dent in the many inter-gender emotional issues that would repell my soulmate. I decided to take an out of character action on a budding desire for my soulmate and joined an internet matching service. I say out of character, because I have always felt such sites were cheesy, shallow, and could not possibly play a role in finding one’s soulmate. But I found a site called greensingles.com that felt at least a somewhat wholesome, so I wrote up a profile. I later joined a two additional match sites that claimed a wider audience, but found them to be far more image/facade driven and useless in terms of searching for men who might share my unique interests. I will not be renewing my subscriptions to those sites.
Connecting with a number of men this way has been enlightening. I have drawn several experiences that put the spotlight on a number of my unloving judgements and expectations towards men and the need to feel more deeply the painful causes of these emotions. I have also connected with some really lovely, interesting, conscientious, and intelligent men who share similar desires and personality qualities that I have (without so many errors, perhaps). None of them had heard of Divine Truth until I introduced it, but these few expressed openness and interest in it. All this is not easy for me, because I have so many emotions still to feel about being judged, rejected, feeling ugly, old, worthless and powerless—all my self worth issues.
But I am appreciating making some male friends, and I am doing my best to approach this as an exercise in loving, feeling my emotions, and staying open to what comes.
I am continuing to slowly make improvements to my little off-grid home on my 40 acres of Arizona high desert. I have finally found a wonderful carpenter who lives just down the road and comes twice a week to help me finish my humble sanctuary. We still have some work to do on the exterior lime coats when the weather warms up, but meanwhile, we are working on the interior. We had many weather delays this year due to unusual snow and rain events — Yay! — but the work is coming along nicely. I will share pictures in the near future.
The garden is starting to come alive again, and I have more King Stropharia mushrooms than I know what to do with. They are doing a great job of making soil for me. I sauté them and put them in the soups I make, but they their taste is very bland (not worth sharing with others), so I toss the extras out in the wood chip piles on the land. In the fall, I planted some spawn for some oyster mushrooms that I hope will take root in the garden, because these have a much more appealing taste. They have not emerged yet, however.
I am glad I followed my desires to come to this part of Arizona. I still have a strong desire to be involved in creating a Divine Truth learning center some day, and this location may or may not be suitable, but I am getting good practice in applying natural building, gardening and permaculture principles to this home of mine while I keep attending to my soul’s emotions and desires.
I hope we all have a love and growth-filled 2019.
Till next time,
P.S. I apologize for the lack of photos in this blog post. I am having trouble with my camera-computer software. I will add them when I get that sorted.