Last June (2015), I was living in Geyserville, California, and I had just broken up from a relationship and wasn’t sure what to do with my life or where to go. So when I happened to visit a community called Isis Oasis to see about temporary housing, and found that they were looking for help in exchange for a place to live, I could feel that it would be a good experience for me.
I had always been interested in living in community, and was excited to hear that they were a community focused on honoring the Divine Feminine. And since one of my growing desires is to create a Learning Center around Divine Truth (and I imagined it being a community living experience) I thought Isis Oasis would be a perfect opportunity for me. And It was. But not the way I expected. It turned out to be a truly eye-opening experience into unhealed issues within myself as well as in the community. It was fun and exciting at first, as many unhealed emotions in me were met (addictions). I felt needed, wanted, appreciated, listened to, cared about, supported in my desires, etc. I met some wonderful people and made new friends. But in the end, however, I caused myself a lot of suffering. Why? Firstly, getting my addictions met doesn’t heal the wound that caused them, and the initial high I got from having these hurts fulfilled didn’t last (which I am learning is a truth about addictions). It started to feel fake. The barter (the codependent addiction) became more apparent, and the suffering increased. I also needed to learn some big lessons in self-love. I needed to see what would cause me to compromise myself to please others. I needed to uncover feelings of how my parents behaved, and how I was treated as a child. In the end, it was a very productive learning experiment, and it has helped to transform my views on living in community. I can see now more clearly why Jesus (see www.DivineTruth.com for more information) has not recommended such living arrangements! I no longer wish to include communal living in my Learning Center desire.
In September, Mary (also of www.DivineTruth.com) gave me some personal feedback on the Divine Truth forum (http://www.forum.divinetruthhub.com) about my anger and condescension towards men, arrogance, how I still lack humility, still want to blame, and how I am still addicted to facade. Crap. I am not doing so well. And I am causing harm to others and myself by not healing this. This was definitely a reality check. And I think it helped to put a crack in my facade. I have had to ask myself, “Why have I not been honest with myself about these issues? Why have I wanted to see myself in a distorted way? Why can’t I feel I am hurting people? Why has it been more important to appear ‘good’ or ‘able’ than allowing the Truth?”
And those questions helped to set the stage for the rest of this year which has been hugely challenging. The facade simply has to go, and I’ve got to get real about these other issues if I am going to grow in love. So, thank you, Mary for that chisel of Truth.
In December, I was so stuck in a prolonged state of anger and rage, that I realized I needed help and decided to see a therapist. I found a Primal Therapist named Theresa Alexander (www.theresasheppardalexander.com) who wrote a book that impressed me called “Facing the Wolf” and did over 30 hours with her which was very helpful. She helped me to go into my blocks to feeling the rage. She helped me to feel and release some of my judgement about anger/rage, start to feel why “I don’t want to”, and why I felt I shouldn’t have to (“its not fair!”). And she also opened my eyes to further truths about how I was treated by my parents and why I have responded in ways that I have. It was a really good experience for me and the tools she taught me have been very helpful in this more intense and painful segment of this journey. I thought I had made huge breakthroughs during the course of this therapy, but I realize now it was just a start.
Since those two Truth opening events (1-Mary’s feedback, 2-Therapy) it feels like God and the Laws have continued with more Truth. I have struggled and fought. And I have felt tremendous discouragement and hopelessness. But I have also been helped to access and feel more painful family-based emotions. When I get to the real childhood stuff, it has felt productive, where I can feel what seems like emotions leaving me. But wow, has it been challenging.
At the same time as all this difficulty, my desire to follow my dreams was growing. I wanted to find my soul mate. I wanted to find acreage in a quiet place where I could explore my desire for God, growing my soul in Love, as well as other desires like Permaculture, natural building, music, weaving, gardening, restoring the land, and ultimately, creating a Learning Center, where people could come to learn about Divine Truth and how to live a self-responsible life in harmony with God’s Laws.
I also really needed a soul sanctuary, where I could learn to truly love myself, as recent events (feedback as well as God’s Law of Attractions) have shown me that I have some big issues around self-love. It would have to be someplace that would challenge my addictions, but at the same time offer maximum support to feel emotions.
In March, I found what I was looking for, (complete with major challenges to my addictions!), a 40 acre parcel with a small unfinished straw bale house in North Eastern Arizona (as I mentioned in My Dream). There is plenty of privacy and space (only a few distant neighbors), and the land is uniquely beautiful with a gentle South facing slope, fantastic rock formations,
and views of the distant mountains.
The land is also very degraded, but that means plenty of opportunity for healing and the demonstration of what Love can do (for both the land and my soul!), which I plan to document through video, photography and writing. I think this property would make a wonderful Learning Center, but Jesus has brought up many factors to consider, both physical things like location and size, and also my true soul-based desires. So I will keep praying to grow and purify my desire to help grow Divine Truth on this planet whether that is with a Learning Center or simply by developing my soul and teaching Divine Truth directly. I do love to teach and share what I learn. I can’t think of a more joyful way of assisting the spread of God’s Truth and Love in this world.
And of course I want to do all this with my soul mate. We are not yet together, but I understand that as I follow my passions and heal my half of the soul, our whole soul will be drawn together.
In March, soon after I arrived here in Arizona, the Law of Attraction brought me together with a man who I thought might be my soul mate, but I doubt if I am developed in Love enough to really know. Jesus has taught that on earth, we are basically all in the lowest levels of love development, and most people won’t know for sure who their soul mate is until they are in the 5th level. But this man could be. We have similar personality characteristics, spiritual and teaching desires as well as errors in common. I also had all kinds of emotions (lots of anger, fear, grief) come up when we met which was interesting. But we were together only a few months before some issues of love came up that necessitated the end of the relationship. Whether or not he is my soul mate, it was really good to see and feel myself experiment with being more transparent, and to feel my habits of sin towards myself and towards men more clearly and more immediately than in past relationships. I did less blaming and more feeling into my father issues this time. So our time together was very helpful to bring me Truth and to inspire me to feel more areas of sin in my soul and their causes. Time and God’s laws will tell, as I work through these emotions, who my soul mate really is.
So it has been quite a year. Lots of Truth, and lots of desires. And this coming November, I will get to experience more of both. I plan to attend the Assistance Group on Understanding God’s Loving Laws (second session) in Australia. By then, I should have my new home situated pretty well for winter, with a new roof, gutters and tanks to collect water, a waste water/septic system, exterior walls re-mudded, and perhaps even the solar system set up. Then I get to learn about God’s Laws. That will be a good one for me, as I know I do not yet trust the Laws, or God’s supreme goodness. Jesus and Mary remind us, “God is Good”. I look forward to the day I truly get that.